Monday, January 4, 2016

I'm Disowning My Dog



See that, up there?  That is a picture of my spoiled rotten Jack Russell, Olive.  Don't let the picture fool you - she can be very active, and very attuned to the goings-on around her.   Olive is a very dedicated guard dog, committed to keeping me safe from the terrors of mundane life.

UPS man?  She's on it, barking and pacing back and forth... how DARE he have the audacity to come on my porch and leave a package?  A PACKAGE, I tell you!  He must be stopped, and Olive is the dog for the job.

Squirrel?  Oh, that little rodent POS is going DOWN.  Crazed barking commences until someone lets the guard dog outside to take care of business.  I mean, come on... we all know squirrels are an evil menace to be dealt with accordingly.

Neighbor walking their dog on the street?  THIS WILL NOT DO.  There is another dog in the line of vision... ANOTHER DOG, OMG.

The doorbell.  The doorbell, amirite?  The doorbell is Satan's handmaiden, announcing the arrival of the dreaded UPS MAN.  

I used to feel kind of sorry for Olive, in a weird sort of way.  She's a hunting/herding/chasing breed, and she's stuck in suburbia, poor baby.  I thought that maybe she fixated on squirrels, the UPS man, and the doorbell for lack of anything better to focus her energies on.

I was wrong.
WRONG.

My dog is not very bright, bless her heart.

On New Year's Day, our neighbor went crazy.
The guy shot his wife (she survived by jumping in her car and driving away) and murdered our other neighbor.  The crazy dude lived directly across from us.  He was CLEARLY visible from the windows flanking our front door (the same ones that afford a view of the evil UPS man) stalking around his front lawn with a freaking rifle.

Surely my dog noticed, right?  Nope.

Surely, since the doorbell sets her off like a total nutball, the 10+ gunshots must have had some effect on her?  Nope.

Well, since she hates squirrels in her backyard, she must have went crazy when the cops with sniper rifles set up shop in our backyard, right?  NOPE.  NOT A PEEP.

Olive didn't even look up.  Thanks for nothing, ya furry jerk.  Nice to know you've got my back if the UPS man tries to do something evil like BRING ME WINE.

OLIVE IS DISOWNED, AND HER 'DOG CARD' REVOKED.

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