Monday, April 27, 2015

The UPS Man Is Trying To Kill Us

My dogs are a profound disappointment to their species.
I think that's why they are here - the doggie tribunal voted them off the island.  Both my dogs are rescues... and I've come to believe that rescue organizations are just refugee camps for the misfits who were unable to make it in doggie society.

Reasons why my dogs were voted off:

1) Misplaced 'stranger danger'.  

My goofy furballs will lovingly lick the crap out of the termite guy, the lawn guy, and various contractors who come into the backyard without asking, and with no warning.  Makes sense, right?  They're friendly critters.  If you want to be barked at, you ring the doorbell - because we all know that the REAL threats always ring and ask politely to come in.

By their logic, the UPS man is basically the Night Stalker.

2) No concept of the beauty that is a bone.

These two kill me.  Just the other day, one of the kids caught Molly (aka: Big One) chewing on the plastic steps that lead up to the hot tub.  Instead of getting mad, I think "OK, she needs a bone".  So I head out to the store, and eventually hand over what amounts to the GNP of a small country to procure two big. meaty flavored, dog-safe Nylabones.

When I present my awesome offerings to the girls, Molly takes hers into her crate and comes running back to me expectantly, the look on her face clearly saying "OK, I put that thing away.  Now, where's my treat?"

Olive chewed half-heartedly for a minute before abandoning her 'treat' in favor of joining Molly to beg for something else.

The bones are essentially untouched, but later I saw Molly chewing energetically... on a stick.  I give up.

3) Terrible taste.

So.  This brings us to Olive, and her questionable food choices.  I spend a decent amount of money on grub for these two little monkeys, and the food I buy is a lamb and rice formula.  It has lamb chunks, and rice (aka: normal dog food nuggets) chunks.  Olive adores the lamb chunks, but leaves the rice bits in her food dish.  You might be thinking "Well, yeah... smart dog!  Who wants dog food nuggets when they can have dried lamb chunks?!"

You might be right, and I might be inclined to agree with you, if not for one small thing:
THE DOG EATS POOP, and DIRT... on a regular basis.

That's right, folks, just say no to dog food, and fill up on hazardous waste and soil.  Poop... it's what's for dinner.

4) Nonsensical behavior.

My dog Molly loves everyone, indiscriminately.  Well... almost.  She adores door-to-door salesmen, neighbors, rowdy kids, other dogs, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, the termite guy, the lawn guys, contractors, drunk neighbors, biker gangs, and burglars (probably).  These are all the BEST. THING, EVER.

So man, she must just pee herself with sheer delight when around her human family, right?

Wrong.  She is scared shitless of my husband for absolutely no discernible reason.  He has never hurt her, or done a thing to her, but he is effectively her Boogie Man.  He comes in the door after work, and she runs to her crate.  If she hears his voice, she will skitter to a dead stop, and won't walk any further.  She cowers under my feet if he walks in the room.

Keep in mind that this dog would lick the shit out of a machete-wielding madman, but is terrified of my polo shirt wearing, pop-tart eating, video game playing husband.

She only likes him if he is sitting in ONE spot, on the living room couch.  I affectionately refer to that spot as 'The Love Chair' because it apparently has magical properties that turn evil 30-something men into safe cuddle targets.

Yeah.  Nonsensical.  Especially since every other animal in the known universe adores my husband.  They all behave like 12 year-old girls at a One Direction concert, (crying and waving tiny doggie lighters) when he comes into the room, so Molly's behavior is particularly perplexing.  *sigh*

I told P just to quit his job, and take up permanent residence in the Love Chair... that oughta do it.

5) Chronic Indecisiveness.

Do we want in, or do we want out?  We want out.  No, wait... sorry 'bout that, we want in.

Wait... what?  Was that a leaf?  DID A FUCKING LEAF JUST DARE TO DROP ON MY LAWN?!  Holy mother of God, we need OUT, lady.  OUT!  IT'S A LEAF... HOW CAN YOU STAY SO CALM?!

Oh, my bad.  False alarm.  No leaf.  We need back in now... all this fresh air is just not as nice as we thought.

OH MY GOD, it's a SQUIRREL,  A SQUIRREL in the tree!  DEFCON FIVE!  DEFCON FIVE!  Let us out NOW!  You are depriving us of our God-given dog duty to protect you from dangerous roving rodents - IT'S IN THE EFFING TREE AS WE SPEAK, LADY!  A MF-ING SQUIRREL! Holy crap, I've been waiting my whole life for this moment!

OK, so the squirrel got away.  Let us in, we need a nap.

OK, so maybe the nap thing isn't working out... I think I need to pee, can I go out now?  I need OUT, lady, kthanx.  No seriously... out.  NOW.  *scratch scratch scratch scratch*  Don't make me break out the bark, just come here and do your opposable thumb thing, K?

NOPE.  Just nope.  It's raining. IT'S RAINING A LITTLE, LET ME BACK IN, YOU EVIL HUMAN.  I am melting... MELTING!  IN!  IN!

6) Inability to separate reality from TV.

I have to mute the beginning of House Hunters if Olive is in the room.  Why?  Because there is a *ding dong* at the beginning of the show, and my super-smart terrier goes batshit insane.

She thinks it's a REAL doorbell, and goes on high alert.  Because, as I pointed out earlier, only evil troublemakers ring the doorbell, and damn it - she's a GOOD guard dog!

Halloween is loads of fun.


So, yeah.  The dogs probably won't be winning any awards anytime soon... especially since they are basically untrainable due to their doggie ADHD.  Squirrels and leaves are their kryptonite, rendering them permanently distracted and vaguely out of control.  *sigh*

Actually for a while, I felt as though I was running a halfway house for special needs animals.  At one point we had these two furry weirdos, a lizard who left his tail behind out of fright when my daughter tried to hold him, one huge cannibalistic sea monkey, a murderous turtle who refuses to share her tank, and a very quirky and confused "intersexed" (intersexed, if we are being PC, hermaphroditic, if we are being accurate) cat.

OK, I need to just accept it - we are indeed a halfway house for the misfits of the animal kingdom.