Monday, September 21, 2015

You Aren't Perfect, You Are Human

I like quotes.  Sometimes it just feels really good to see that someone else, somewhere, has been where you are, and put it down into words so that you don't have to.  It's an instant 'YES' moment that makes you feel a little less alone in the world, and in your own head.

That quote up there?  That popped up on FB yesterday, and it was definitely a 'yes moment'.  I have been struggling an awful lot lately with exactly this issue: feeling as though everyone is disappointed or disgruntled with me.

Intellectually, I get it.  I'm changing.  As I get closer to 40, I feel free, and more 'myself' than ever before.  I feel stronger, more assured, less invested in what others think of me, and am more outspoken about my needs and what I will/will not put up with.  Change upsets the balance that has been carefully tended for 30+ years.  Change is threatening.  Change upsets relationships, and even ends some as a new balance and new paradigm emerges.  You lose friends, and may even lose family members.

The loss, even if it is temporary, is the hard part.  Whenever someone steps out of your life (or you have to let them go) it is hard.  I don't know how others feel, but my first instinct is to blame myself: "I shouldn't have done XY or Z."  "The change in me must be a bad one, because X doesn't like me anymore." "I should have KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT.  When I speak up, it causes problems." "I should have just let it go, even though it really hurt me."  These are all things that go through my mind, and it seems to be happening more frequently lately.

I'm changing, and it's unnerving to some people.  It's a little unnerving to me, because it means dealing with a lot of upheaval.  I see it is a positive thing, but I have disappointed a lot of people lately, and that is hard to deal with.  It is difficult to remember that even though I have disappointed a lot of people, I am still OK. I have made some decisions lately that were rash, and abrasive, but I'm learning how to live within my expanding view of the world and I make mistakes.

I'm not a failure, I am human.  I am growing, and there are many landmines on the journey.  I won't expect perfection from myself any longer.

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