Monday, September 21, 2015

You Aren't Perfect, You Are Human

I like quotes.  Sometimes it just feels really good to see that someone else, somewhere, has been where you are, and put it down into words so that you don't have to.  It's an instant 'YES' moment that makes you feel a little less alone in the world, and in your own head.

That quote up there?  That popped up on FB yesterday, and it was definitely a 'yes moment'.  I have been struggling an awful lot lately with exactly this issue: feeling as though everyone is disappointed or disgruntled with me.

Intellectually, I get it.  I'm changing.  As I get closer to 40, I feel free, and more 'myself' than ever before.  I feel stronger, more assured, less invested in what others think of me, and am more outspoken about my needs and what I will/will not put up with.  Change upsets the balance that has been carefully tended for 30+ years.  Change is threatening.  Change upsets relationships, and even ends some as a new balance and new paradigm emerges.  You lose friends, and may even lose family members.

The loss, even if it is temporary, is the hard part.  Whenever someone steps out of your life (or you have to let them go) it is hard.  I don't know how others feel, but my first instinct is to blame myself: "I shouldn't have done XY or Z."  "The change in me must be a bad one, because X doesn't like me anymore." "I should have KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT.  When I speak up, it causes problems." "I should have just let it go, even though it really hurt me."  These are all things that go through my mind, and it seems to be happening more frequently lately.

I'm changing, and it's unnerving to some people.  It's a little unnerving to me, because it means dealing with a lot of upheaval.  I see it is a positive thing, but I have disappointed a lot of people lately, and that is hard to deal with.  It is difficult to remember that even though I have disappointed a lot of people, I am still OK. I have made some decisions lately that were rash, and abrasive, but I'm learning how to live within my expanding view of the world and I make mistakes.

I'm not a failure, I am human.  I am growing, and there are many landmines on the journey.  I won't expect perfection from myself any longer.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Bah, September!

I always have problems adjusting to fall.

I'm a summer girl... I love the heat, the sunshine, the concrete under my bare feet, the sand between my toes, the water, the grass, and the smell of chlorine.  Those months are when I flourish, and feel wonderful.

Come September, nature reminds me (every year, without fail) that my joy is short-lived... mostly by way of my annual sinus infection.  Yay, me!  (I know you are dying to hear about my sinuses, so, you're welcome.)  As if my nasal torment wasn't enough, the days get shorter, get cooler, and get darker.

Have I mentioned before that I deal with depression?  Yes?
Well, let me tell you, the deficit in sunshine doesn't much help with that.  Dude, it's downright depressing how even the sun seems to give up in September.

Let me just say this:  September, you can suck it!

Go away.

October is better.  There's my anniversary, and Halloween.  October is for good memories, pretty leaves, costumes, and by then I'm used to the weather (and my sinuses are behaving).

I'm thinking of the good things, like the great winter sweaters I bought, fires in the fire pit, pumpkins and pumpkin patch visits, hay rides, costumes, pumpkin pie, hot coffee on a cold day, my pretty brown boots, a fire in the fireplace...

That's all great, and coming soon.  If September would just stop being the redheaded stepchild of fall.  LOL!

Monday, September 14, 2015

Homeless, and Terminally Ill

I'm going to get all serious for a minute here, y'all.

My heart hurts today (and most days, here lately).  It hurts, and I don't know how to make it stop, or what I can do to fix it.  My heart hurts because I am denying it, and making a choice that is probably right, but is hard to make.

A family member of mine is homeless.

I know we've all heard the various reasons why a person might end up homeless, with mental illness and addiction being at the top of the list, am I right?  Sometimes it's not that simple though... sometimes it's a perfect storm of things.

A bad home life.
Never taught responsibility.
No education.
No good role model(s).
Bad decisions.

A perfect storm of unfortunate things (some inherited, some chosen) landed this person on the streets, and bad decisions keep them there.  Bridges have been incinerated, parents are dead and/or incapacitated, siblings are only marginally better off than the person in question.

And the kicker:  homeless family member diagnosed with cancer.  Terminally ill, and living on the streets.  Kicked out of homeless shelter, struggling through chemo and the pull of addiction.

My heart pleads with me to help.  HELP. Do something.
My head says "You can't.  You can't.  You'll drain yourself and your family dry, and it will never be enough."

My head knows I can't possibly fix this, but my heart is torn to pieces.  It goes against everything I stand for to back off and let the situation unfold as it will, but my instinct for self-preservation kicks in enough to know that if I jump in the water after this person, I will drown too.

If I could trust this person, if I saw a glimmer of responsibility or determination, things might be different.  They might be.  But all I see is someone drowning, who has thrown away many life preservers.

I feel like a terrible human being right now, and I know I come off as a hard, unfeeling asshole, especially to this person.  This person whose calls I avoid, and messages I delete, because I don't know how to say the words "I can't help you.  I can't be your savior."

Deciding to let someone be, to hit enough of a bottom to get the burning desire to change their life is so incredibly hard, and I don't even know them that well.  But I care.  I care so much, and it is hard to reconcile what I am doing with how much I care.

This really sucks.