Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Too Late To Apologize?

For some reason, I am thinking of my Dad (Dad, Father, Bio-Dad?  I am never sure quite what to call him) today.  Well, OK, not 'for some reason', I know why - it's because of this song:



I heard that song shortly after 'finding him' in 2008, and it really hit home for me, because that's exactly how I felt... that it was far too late to apologize.  It came on today in the car, and strangely, I still felt the same.  I often feel like I've forgiven him... I've CHOSEN to forgive him, but my heart feels differently about it.  Deep down, my heart doesn't forgive him, even though I make myself move past it, make myself understand as best I can, and choose not to focus on it.  Deep down, my heart feels like it was too little, too late.

It's so confusing to feel so blessed for the opportunity I DID get, and at the same time feel so angry about all that I didn't get.  I got to see my Dad again after 28 years... I got to talk to him, got to hear him apologize, got to know him a little bit... and then he passed away a year later.  I could have easily been too late... too late to 'meet' him, too late to talk, too late to attend his funeral.  I was lucky, so very lucky, that it wasn't too late for that.

But did it all come too late for me to ever really forgive him, deep down in my heart?

I don't know, but I keep trying.  I believe it was all for the best in the long run, but inside a little girl still misses her Daddy, and is very very angry with him.  Angry with him for leaving, angry with him for never contacting me, angry with him for being an alcoholic, angry with him for pretending we didn't exist, and last of all, angry with him for dying so soon.

He may have been doing 'the right thing', but it changed me forever.

Now I struggle to forgive, and to tell myself that it's NEVER too late to apologize.