Friday, June 21, 2013

Day Four

Today is day four that I have been without my security blanket of nearly 15 years.  Every day for 15 years (in December) without fail, I have clung to my security blanket, counting on it to deliver the peace of mind I couldn't give myself.

Every day for almost 15 years, I have put a pill on my tongue.

But today is my fourth day without antidepressants.
I have taken them so long, and so religiously, that I cannot believe I haven't taken one in four days, and I'm still standing here... and doing just fine, to boot!

When I started taking Zoloft all those many years ago, I was barely alive.  I was broken, devastated, and so depressed that I was already absent from the world as I knew it - all that was left here was my body, and my pain.  Everything good about me was gone, and I was left with only the pain... those pills saved my life.

I was SO close to doing the unthinkable, and those pills saved my life.

I have desperately clung to them for many years - they were magic, and my security blanket.  They were my shield against that desperate place I left behind and never wanted to see again.

I have only recently realized that while they were my saving grace, they have also been a hiding place.  I've been cowering in the face of what happened to me for 15 years.  I have been taking the pills probably not out of need, but out of pure, unadulterated FEAR.

I realized recently that every time I take that pill, I feel like I am still stuck in my life from 15 years ago.  It's the last remaining vestige of that horrific time period, and I felt as though I wanted that control back.  I want to be in control, and not cowering in the face of something that happened to me 15 years ago.

I went one day without my meds by accident... but on the second day, I chose not to refill the prescription.  On the third day I refilled it, but didn't take it.  Today, it's in the cabinet, and I didn't take it again.  And for the first time in 15 years I feel free of that horrific experience.  I feel GOOD.  I feel as though I have control over that awful time in my life, and that I can take back what's mine.

I haven't lost my mind, and I'm not doing this blindly, expecting that everything will be peachy from here out... I'm aware that after every instance of major depressive episodes, the rate of recurrence goes way up.  I've had two such episodes.  I've lived under the shadow of depression for a long time, and I know the symptoms and warning signs.  AND I've confided my actions to two people I trust very much, and I know will look out for me if I begin to show signs that I am NOT OK.

But for now, I feel like I can make a break from that period in my life, and I feel great!  I am so relieved and happy.  :)