Monday, March 18, 2013

Happy Guilt

It's been such a long time since I've been unconflicted and not struggling (with SOMETHING) that I'd forgotten how 'happy guilt' feels.  I'd forgotten that I tend to do this - instead of just being happy and savoring it, I start to worry about other people, and why THEY aren't happy.

When I'm happy, I want to 'fix' everyone else.  I want them to feel happy, too!  I agonize over their problems, and lie awake at night feeling awful for them.

WHY?
Why do I do that?
Their problems were there before, and they'll be there no matter what I do, because it's not up to me to fix it - and I can't.  THEY have to fix it.

I know that empathy is a good thing, to an extent.  But it's eating me up inside right now, and stifling my happy heart.  Does that sound selfish?  It feels selfish that I'm even a little bit worried about the fact that my own happiness is suffering for worrying about others.  I think that's the very definition of selfishness, isn't it?  *sigh*

In reality, I've known for years that the answer is to learn to 'compartmentalize' better, and not let things take over my life - give them a box, and be able to put them away when I need to.  Why is that hard for me?

Ugh.

Happy guilt... go figure!
I suppose that, for now, I'm just going to concentrate on the first word, and celebrate that I am happy!  I will pray for those I love that aren't.

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