Thursday, June 28, 2012

Today Is A Sad Day (Isabella Santos)

Today is a sad day.

This morning, cancer (neuroblastoma) won, and little Isabella Santos was taken far too soon.  She was only 7 years old.

I didn't know Isabella personally, nor did I know her family - her parents worked with my husband.  I have heard things filtered through my husband for years, and have followed along online, from a distance.  Even though I never met Isabella, my heart is broken.

Seven.  Just seven years old.  My little girl is only 8 months older than Isabella... having to say goodbye to your 7 year-old daughter is just unthinkably cruel.  I look at Annalise, and wonder how in the world anyone musters the strength to get through something so amazingly devastating... but I know they do.

I can't imagine the pain of cuddling up with your daughter as she takes her last breath.
I can't imagine how excruciating it is to watch your lively child deteriorate before your eyes.
I can't imagine how the human heart can even endure such things.

My heart is broken for Isabella's family.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/isabellasantos/journal

Monday, June 18, 2012

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know

Catchy, and the lyrics are something we can all relate to, I think.  :/

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Random Mind-Dump



Sinusitis is kicking my ass.  Ugh.  Feel like I've been flattened by a bus.  But hey... life goes on!

The other day the kids and I went to Target to spend the money they’d saved up, and had a nice discussion about what they wanted, and how much money to bring.  I decided that they were old enough to learn about taxes, and that it was time they paid, and I stopped absorbing the ‘overages’.  I may have done too good a job simplifying taxes for a child’s understanding….

Cashier:  “Here’s your change!”
E:  “Oh!  I get to keep this?  You mean the government’s not going to take it?!”

[Snickers all around]

In other kid news, I think E took our discussion about what constitutes a mammal very seriously.  I explained that yes, we have fur, and yes, we are mammals.  That came back to bite me in the butt, as things often do.

E (rubbing my leg):  “Ooh, Momma, your fur is gone!”
Me:  Um, yeah.  It’s called Nair… it takes all the hair off my legs.
E:  Can I take my fur off too!?
Me:  “When you are 11, and not a day before.”
E (eyeing me speculatively):  “You should probably do your arms too, Momma.”

OUCH.

All that being said, I was saving the best for last...

I have a Mother’s Helper for the summer!  Her name is Allison.  She’s a 19 year-old college student, and I <3 her.  Why?  Because for 3 hours a day (3 days a week) I can clean, run errands, or do whatever the heck I please in blissful peace.  And the best part is, I don’t feel guilty, because they like her so. darned. much.  They don’t even try to vie for my attention when she leaves, because they are sated.

Ahh.  Awesomeness.

Some days, I want to kidnap Allison and keep her forever.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Heart - There's The Girl

Stuck in my head all. darned. day.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Dear Lord, Help Me Help My Babies

I hope that my girls have an easier time of 'growing up' than I did.
I guess every parent hopes that though, right?

Growing up is hard when your parents are lost and unable to impart practical wisdom to you.  It is.  This, right here, is why I am fighting so hard to be at peace with my life; to find fulfillment, and purpose.  Without these things, you can't expect your children to grow up well and healthy.  Without peace, fulfillment, and purpose, you aren't well-equipped to give your children what they need - this is what I believe.

I don't want my children to be adults wondering why they never felt like their mom was truly 'there'.  I don't want them to figure out one day that I couldn't be there for them how I should have, because I still hadn't figured myself out and come to grips with my own burdens and trials.

My own mother carried a lot of baggage... she still does, in fact.  She is still not happy with herself, not at peace with her life, and she still hurts deeply.  She was never really present in my life, and it took me many, many years to wake up to the fact that it wasn't my fault.  She probably never knew that I internalized her 'absence' as rejection, and thought it was my fault.  Add to that the fact that my father was long gone, and it made growing up very difficult.

I didn't have a healthy 'home base', so I didn't know how to handle rejection.  I didn't know how to form healthy attachments, I didn't know how to deal with pain and/or loss in a productive way.

Right now, as I write this, I feel guilty.  I am struggling mightily with the idea that I'm playing the 'blame game' and not taking responsibility for my own shortcomings.  BUT... BUT there are some things that aren't your fault.  How you started out life is not your fault... what you do with your life IS.  And I am trying... I'm trying really hard to rearrange the mess in my mind.  I am doing everything I can to overcome my low self-esteem, feelings of rejection and loss, and residual anger from the abuses I suffered in childhood.  (I still can't bring myself to speak the whole truth, or say the words I probably need to say about it.)  I'm trying to be better for my children, for my family.  I shouldn't feel guilty for things that I had no hope of controlling as a child, right?  Some things AREN'T my fault, and all I can do is forgive... over and over again, every single day.

Forgive and try, forgive and try....

My girls, I am trying.  I don't want to be so lost in myself, trying to sort out my baggage, that I can't be there for you.  I want to be the healthy, whole mother you deserve.  I want to let go of my past and embrace my future with you.