Monday, June 4, 2012

Dear Lord, Help Me Help My Babies

I hope that my girls have an easier time of 'growing up' than I did.
I guess every parent hopes that though, right?

Growing up is hard when your parents are lost and unable to impart practical wisdom to you.  It is.  This, right here, is why I am fighting so hard to be at peace with my life; to find fulfillment, and purpose.  Without these things, you can't expect your children to grow up well and healthy.  Without peace, fulfillment, and purpose, you aren't well-equipped to give your children what they need - this is what I believe.

I don't want my children to be adults wondering why they never felt like their mom was truly 'there'.  I don't want them to figure out one day that I couldn't be there for them how I should have, because I still hadn't figured myself out and come to grips with my own burdens and trials.

My own mother carried a lot of baggage... she still does, in fact.  She is still not happy with herself, not at peace with her life, and she still hurts deeply.  She was never really present in my life, and it took me many, many years to wake up to the fact that it wasn't my fault.  She probably never knew that I internalized her 'absence' as rejection, and thought it was my fault.  Add to that the fact that my father was long gone, and it made growing up very difficult.

I didn't have a healthy 'home base', so I didn't know how to handle rejection.  I didn't know how to form healthy attachments, I didn't know how to deal with pain and/or loss in a productive way.

Right now, as I write this, I feel guilty.  I am struggling mightily with the idea that I'm playing the 'blame game' and not taking responsibility for my own shortcomings.  BUT... BUT there are some things that aren't your fault.  How you started out life is not your fault... what you do with your life IS.  And I am trying... I'm trying really hard to rearrange the mess in my mind.  I am doing everything I can to overcome my low self-esteem, feelings of rejection and loss, and residual anger from the abuses I suffered in childhood.  (I still can't bring myself to speak the whole truth, or say the words I probably need to say about it.)  I'm trying to be better for my children, for my family.  I shouldn't feel guilty for things that I had no hope of controlling as a child, right?  Some things AREN'T my fault, and all I can do is forgive... over and over again, every single day.

Forgive and try, forgive and try....

My girls, I am trying.  I don't want to be so lost in myself, trying to sort out my baggage, that I can't be there for you.  I want to be the healthy, whole mother you deserve.  I want to let go of my past and embrace my future with you.

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