Saturday, April 14, 2012

Lullaby And Goodnight

When I was putting E to bed tonight, she was worried that she might have a bad dream... then she thought about it for a moment, looked a bit sad/perplexed and then said "But I haven't had any dreams at all in a long time, not even good ones."

The first thing out of my mouth was "That's good, right?  No dreams at all = no bad dreams.  Isn't it better to have none at all, and not have to deal with bad ones?"

Just minutes later it occurred to me just what I was saying to her.  "So what if it's good sometimes?  Avoid the bad... giving up the bits of good are a small price to pay."

Are they?  Is giving up the snippets of good a small price to pay for not dealing with the bad?

I do that.

I try to avoid the bad even at the expense of the good.  I am fearful that I can't handle the 'bad', so I bury myself in the 'safe', in things below my dreams, in the mediocre.  In doing this the good things, the highs that come with the lows, are a rarity.

Safe is boring.
Safe makes you wake up at night fidgety, with your mind going a million miles a minute.
Safe will eventually give way to the longing for 'something more'.
Safe is equivalent to caged, and caged is no way to live.
Safe will make you miserable.

This is what I really want to tell my daughter.  This is what I hope I one day have the courage to 'tell' her in the best way possible; by taking my own advice, and modeling my life on what I know to be true.

What I might have been if only I'd had the courage is still waiting out there for me to find it....

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