Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What A Day

Boy.  Yesterday was rough.  After I got the kids off to school, I just lost it.

There has been so much loss, stress, and upheaval in my life lately, and it's all just been building up.  I'm having to learn how to move on - how to get by without friendship I once depended on, and how to deal with big changes in other close friendships.

I don't want to say this, but I feel like if I don't say it somewhere, I will scream.  A is stressing me out.  Big time.  Well, actually, it's the Asperger's Symptoms that are stressing me out, if you want to get technical.  I just feel so in over my head sometimes.  Before I knew what was going on with her, I didn't really KNOW she wasn't 'typical'... somewhere inside I suspected it, but didn't believe it.  I thought she would learn to interact better at some point, that she would 'outgrow' her quirks, that she would get the bathroom stuff any day now, that one day she'd calm down.  I think believing that she would somehow outgrow it is what kept me sane before.  Now I know that she won't outgrow it, and that it's going to take a herculean effort to manage these things so that she can be as 'normal' or 'typical' as possible.

My child is a force of nature.  When she spends the day at home, it looks as though a tornado has ripped through my house.  Food, scraps of paper, blankets, rocks, bugs... they are EVERYWHERE.  No amount of talking gets her to understand that this isn't OK.  No amount of goading, punishing, or rewarding makes a difference.

At nearly 8 years old, she is still only what I'd consider partially potty-trained.  Pull-ups are a way of life... unfortunately they cause UTIs, so the doctor is also a way of life.  :(  I'm left to choose between my child sleeping in a puddle of pee, and ruined mattresses and belongings (because she won't come get us at night when she has an accident) or recurring UTIs.  Every time she poops I have to wipe smears of it off the walls and toilet.  She won't ask for help, and thinks nothing of just wiping it wherever... just as long as it's off her hands.

The slightest noise or interruption when she's doing her homework sets her off.  She tells her little sister that she is 'stupid' because she doesn't know the same things she does.  A doesn't think that it's any excuse that she's two years younger... she considers her stupid because E doesn't know her multiplication tables, doesn't know how to spell much, can't read long books, or spout off a bunch of random facts.

E's self-esteem is eroding to the point that she is anxious, clingy, and angry.  Just yesterday she lost it, screaming that she hated A, hated us all, in fact.  She said she wishes she had a 'real' sister, and that she hates us all.  Apparently that bad morning carried over, and she had an awful day at school... she got in trouble for telling other kids that their work was 'stupid' and then lied about it.  Hmmm... who does THAT sound like?

I feel like there is never any harmony in this house, and I'm losing hope that there ever will be.

There is so much change and upheaval in my life right now that sometimes I just want to lose it.  All of this is really testing my limits, and stretching my strength to the breaking point.  Do I have it in me?  Do I even have a choice?

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