Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Movin' Along...


Well, the time has come - I am moving to a new blog address.  :)
If you wish to still follow along, please email me at jdawn2002 @ gmail.com (remove spaces) and I will be happy to share my new address.

I'm not removing this blog, but I won't be posting here any longer.

Thanks so much for reading!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

What Is Wisdom?

Sometimes, I don't like the lessons that life tries to teach me.

I wrote this status today on FB:

"Even the worst people in your life can put things into perspective for you - show you where you are lacking,  what you need, and what you need to do."

It is woefully inadequate, though, to really express what I feel.
It's one of those things that life insists on teaching you, even when you fight it with every ounce of your being.

The last few years have been rough for me.  Really rough.  They've been rife with loss, confrontations with the past, hurt and confusion.  They were simultaneously some of the best and worst of my entire life.  Confusion pretty much sums it up.

In the past few years I have learned a lot - at a high cost.

I've learned that the past never stays there.
I've learned that hate can easily cross the line into love, and vice versa.
I've learned that people you trust wholeheartedly will betray you.
I've also learned that I've trusted many that I shouldn't have - and they betrayed me.  I should have listened to my gut.
I've learned that all decisions have consequences.
I've learned that love is often one-sided.
I've learned that things I've believed for many years weren't as I thought at all.
I've learned that I have been shaped by those whom I've deeply loved more than anything else - even those who took that love for granted.

There is something to learn from everyone you've ever loved, trusted, or even hated.
Sometimes that lesson is simply that you were naive, and too trusting.  I have certainly learned that the hard way.  I've trusted people too easily, and given them too much of myself too soon.

Everyone wants to be wise, but nobody really wants to put in the work to get there.  I can see why.  It sucks.  When I was little, I never understood... never understood the difference between wisdom and knowledge, and thought that anything there was to know could be learned at will.

It can't.

There are things that only life, and other people can teach you.
Things that only failed love, betrayal, abandonment, death, and other life experiences can teach you.

I was so naive about life for so long.

I thought that love and marriage would make me whole.
I thought that kids would fulfill my purpose.
I thought that friends could always be counted on.
I thought that my parents and my childhood were just like anyone else's.
I thought I could look to others to find what was missing in my life/heart.

I also used to think that being honest, forthright, open, and true to myself would be well-received and appreciated by all.  It isn't.  It really, really isn't.

Part of the wisdom we fight so hard to gain is the ability to sort through what we need to change because OUR ways are not working and what we are doing right, but others are too blind (or emotionally stunted) to see/receive/understand.

Man, this is tough.  The last few years have made me question everything I ever thought or knew to be true.  It's very sobering to realize that you've been living in sort of a vacuum, holding onto a set of 'rules' that seem to be working until life tosses you on your ear.

Wisdom is certainly hard-won.


Friday, November 23, 2012

Thanksgiving On The Sea

I'm BACK!!  :D

And... my liver is happy about it.
Lets just say I discovered a profound love of coconut rum and bellinis while cruisin' the lovely Atlantic.  With cocktail names like 'Goombay Smash', what could possibly go wrong?

Paradise Cove (shown below) was particularly awesome on that end.  This is where I encountered the aforementioned Goombay Smash cocktail, and a fabulous dessert called 'Congo bars' - they are like rainbow unicorn tears and a giant, super-soft chocolate chip cookie combined.  Double - no, triple - YUM.



Spending Thanksgiving at sea was interesting... by far the strangest Thanksgiving I've ever had.  Other than a vaguely pretentious (and definitely un-traditional) nod to the usual turkey dish and pumpkin dessert, you'd have never known it was Thanksgiving at all.  It was all very sterile, unoffensive, and... strange.  Plus, the meal was served in fancy 'bistro' portions, which left me feeling vaguely cheated because I could still button my pants at the end.  LOL!  Maybe should've hit the buffet... it certainly would have felt more like the Thanksgiving I'm used to!

Fun times were had by all.
I got to wear my new evening gown - navy blue, and off one shoulder.  It is SO FUN to get all dressed up once in a while!  Though I have no pictures, sadly. It didn't occur to me to ask to have any taken, and we didn't buy the ship's (outrageously priced) 'formal pictures'.  Plus, I'm always the one wielding the camera, so pictures of me are rare.  You'll just have to trust me that I do in fact exist, and that I'm a woman and not a 400 lb agoraphobic man.

Shopping.  I didn't cover that yet, did I?  SO MUCH to be had, yet I shopped so little.  My sole personal purchase (other than alcohol) was a pair of sunglasses at the RIU resort.  Wow.  That's not to say I wasn't tempted by some of the local merchants... one in particular.  As we were walking down a back street in Nassau, we passed an (undoubtedly) upstanding merchant on a dirty street corner with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, muttering under his breath to passersby "Purrrrrrses.  Coach, Louis Vuitton.  Purrrses."

Yep.  Seems legit.
Bummer I missed out.

So.
I got a little tiny sunburn, lost a few bucks at the casino, boosted the local Bahamian economy (or at least my kids did), ate (and drank) way more than is strictly advisable, got sand in my butt, napped often, and saw some awesome sights.  Not bad for a Thanksgiving holiday.  :)



Saturday, November 17, 2012

Vacation Time!

One last post before I'm MIA for a week.
Almost vacation time!  We head out tomorrow on this:


To go here:


And here:


For now I'm in a frenzy of packing, finding things, checking, and double-checking.
Au revoir folks, and Happy Turkey Day to everyone!  Be sure to wear your stretchy pants... I know I will!  ;)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Gone To The Dogs...

Whew.  What a long week!

Last Thursday I picked our new dog (named Molly) up from Mecklenburg County Animal Control.  She is an amazingly good dog, all things considered.  She's gentle, she's potty-trained, she is lovable.

Molly under my desk.  Yes, it's messy-ish.  

Of course, we are dealing with the fact that she's heartworm positive.  :(  But some awesome people have donated money to help us pay for this VERY unexpected expense... AND I found a vet in Clover that will treat her for $300!  Thank goodness.  :)  Friday she goes to the vet for the first steps in her treatment.

Molly isn't terribly fond of cats, but she's coming around, I think.  She and Olive are having a 'marking war' in the backyard, and Molly keeps snatching and running off with stuffed animals (much to Ella's consternation).  Me?  I find it all kind of funny (except her growling at the kitty - that's not so funny).  Also not so funny is Molly's stink.  O.M.G.  At first she was super-stinky because she was in heat when she was picked up, and still bleeding after her spay.  That's gone away now, and I've discovered that her ears smell like the dirtiest, cheesiest feet imaginable.  UGH.  I think she's got an infection... I guess we'll need to treat that, too.

It's been interesting, to say the least.

Yesterday I bit the bullet, finished my admissions process, and registered for classes.  Come January I will be a student again - this time in the hopes of getting a job at the end of it all.

Now I am busy cleaning the house, packing, and making last minute arrangements before we leave on Sunday.  We are headed to the Bahamas for Thanksgiving week!  I am SO looking forward to it... but hoping very, very much that they do a Thanksgiving dinner on the ship.  If not, I shall be forced to console myself with copious amounts of wine (and if I get really desperate for distraction - karaoke).  A vacation is definitely needed by all!

I must admit, though, I will be worried about leaving Molly in the kennel so soon after her coming to live with us...  I feel badly about that, but then, I didn't expect to randomly adopt a dog!  LOL!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A New Dog - And Bad News. :(

So.  There's this dog.
Someone posted her picture on Facebook, and said they'd taken her to Animal Control in Charlotte...

Well, I kind of fell in love with her.
I agreed to adopt her and bring her home.
Then today we got very bad news... she didn't pass her vet check at Animal Control - she has heartworms.  :(

Heartworms.
Obviously she needs treatment, but it's very expensive... to the tune of at least $600.  But we decided to bring her home anyway, even though it will be a stretch to afford her treatment.

Someone suggested that I try to see if others could help, so I figured it's worth a shot.  I made a fundraising site to help us get this sweet baby (a female red and white pointer) well again.  :)  If you see this and feel moved, any little bit would be so very appreciated and helpful!

Click here if you'd like to help get this sweet girl on her way again!
http://www.gofundme.com/1h5twc

My Feet Hate Winter

Today I woke up to devastating news.

(I know what you're thinking... that's the perfect opening to rant about the election, right?  I must be a rabid Romney/Ryan supporter if I woke up to devastating news, right?  But I don't do that... much.  I don't rant about politics in public, because people piss me off so badly that my blood pressure can't take it.  I won't lie - the election news didn't exactly fill me with joy, but it's other news that was really a blow to me this morning.)

The news?  It was 30 degrees when I woke up - expecting a high of only 54 today.
That means it's upon us - the end of flip flop season.  (Pause for one dramatic tear to roll down my cheek.)

I love flip flops.  They are the world's most comfortable, perfect footwear.  If I lived in a slightly more temperate climate, I would own nothing else (except a pair of running shoes, perhaps... it's not easy to run in my beloved flip flops).  I wear them from Easter to Thanksgiving, and only begrudgingly give them up when my toes threaten to revolt and fall off in protest.

I am stubborn though, so despite the drop in temperature I will probably continue to wear them for a few more weeks.  Generally my rule of thumb is that when I need a heavy coat and/or gloves, the flip flops must go.  But with it being only 30 degrees this morning, the time is rapidly approaching.  :(

I do feel like a hypocrite, though, yelling at my oldest "Anna!  Change your shoes, you cannot go out to play in sandals - it's freezing!" as I slip on my beloved flip flops.  I'm claiming the leeway to make dumb decisions (natural consequences be damned!) as one of those mysterious 'adult perks' kids think we have so many of.  ;)

Goodbye, my flippy friends.  See you at (or near) Easter.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Patsy Cline

I love this woman.
I've always felt an inexplicable connection with her, and her music digs down into my heart.

This has been stuck in my head all day:


And this one is my favorite song of all time, above all others:


Her music is going through my head so much lately that I just felt moved to share.  :)

Waiting

Sometimes I write here just for the sake of it, and sometimes it's to unburden my heart or my mind from something that's been weighing on me.  Somehow owning the words and putting them out there in the world makes the burden seem less cumbersome.  :)  This is one of those unburdening posts.

I was reading a book the other day, and one of the characters was an artist, trying to draw her own self-portrait.  She was looking in the mirror, trying to see the 'truth' in her face, when it hit her - her entire demeanor was one of waiting.  Not really living, not moving forward, just waiting.

The character thought back to a talk show she'd seen about people who had been adopted, and a woman on the show.  The woman talked about how she'd never wanted to move from the home she was adopted into, she always made sure the phone was in her name, and always left very explicit forwarding instructions when she moved... so she could always be found.  She was dropping breadcrumbs and waiting for her mother to come back for her.  Just waiting - even as an adult.

The character in the book was waiting for a lover who had moved on without her to find his way back to her... she didn't even know she was doing it, but she was just patiently waiting.

Reading those passages in that book, there was a sharp jolt of recognition - I knew exactly what the author was talking about.  Breadcrumbs.  Waiting.  I've been in both places, and experienced both kinds of waiting she referred to.

Waiting sucks, even when you don't realize you are doing it.

When you are waiting for a parent or a lover to come back for you, you are living in a state of purgatory.  There seems to be little behind you, and nothing clear ahead of you... just an interminable wait in which your senses seem to dull.  There is one pressing question in your heart, even if you don't realize it.  "When will it happen?"  

I wish I'd been able to tell myself the truth:  it may never happen and even if it does, it may seriously disappoint.  And when you've spent so much time waiting for something, it's devastating when it badly disappoints.  When this happens you begin to realize just how much time you wasted waiting, and how badly you've taken your life, as it is, for granted.

I wish I'd have known that I had the power to free myself from that purgatory - heck, I wish I would have simply recognized I was IN IT before I wasted so much of my life waiting for life to realign into the thing I thought it should be.

I was wrong.  Who am I to say where life should take me?  Who am I to have the audacity to WAIT for something I think I'm entitled to?  Who am I to believe that because I love someone, and want them in my life, that it MUST be that way?

I wish I had learned the art of letting go a long time ago.  Hell, I wish I really understood it now.  All I know is that waiting is purgatory, and such a waste of the precious time we've been given.  I cannot sit here and grieve for my wasted time anymore, though, I know that.  Giving that grief any more space will be to wait again... I cannot stand to wait again, or any longer.

I will just sign off with this thought:  Life goes on with or without you, and if you are 'waiting', when you come out of it you won't know what to do with yourself.  I don't know yet what my true purpose is, but I do know this - it isn't to wait.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

The Elections - And Daylight Savings Time

I keep seeing all these clever little tie-ins with Daylight Savings Time, and the presidential election.

"Don't forget to change your clocks back on Saturday night, and your President on Tuesday."

"Remember to turn back your clocks on Saturday night - but don't turn our country's clock back 50 years on Tuesday."

Clever, but annoying.

Election wars just kill me, because people are stupid.  S.T.U.P.I.D.  Do people really think they are going to sway anyone to their way of thinking with insults (thinly veiled or otherwise)?  Does your shouting, name-calling, insulting, and pushy rhetoric reflect well on you, or the candidate/party you support?  Is it really that abhorrent to some people to accept that others have different viewpoints and not stoop to insulting the intelligence of anyone who disagrees with them?

You catch more flies with honey.  Integrity, patience, and logic go a long way in furthering your cause.  Some people will never be won over, and you'll give yourself ulcers trying to make them see it your way.  All these things are true, but it all seems to fly out the window during election years.

I'm glad there are only a few more days until it's decided, and then a few days of whining to follow.  LOL!

But for now we wait.

And I go on a suicide mission this weekend, just to shake things up a bit.  LOL!  Tonight I'm taking my Girl Scout Troop to a sleepover at Discovery Place.  (Hello, organizers?  The night the time rolls back may not have been your best idea ever.)  200+ girls under the same roof...

Everyone is loving it - "We get an extra hour of sleep!"
I'm all "Not me.  I get an extra hour of lying on a hard floor and saying 'Girls!  Time to go to sleep - quiet down!' You know you're jealous."

Nah, I jest.  I'm really looking forward to it, and I have some truly awesome girls in my troop.  I think we are going to have a blast!  Though I'm guessing a nap will definitely be in order tomorrow!

Pray for my sanity.  LOL!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Voting - DONE.



Well, I decided that abstaining from the vote this year was a reaction borne out of frustration and the childish desire to not have to make a hard decision.  So, I sucked it up.

I voted this morning.
Now I just hope I made a decision that I won't come to regret in the next couple of years.  (Listen to me, talking like my candidate has already won!  I might dismay over this election in the end for reasons that have nothing to do with me....)

I always find voting to be an interesting experience.
I stand in line observing everyone coming in and out... I mentally note demographic information, and try to decide how I think they will vote based only on what I can see.  The only problem is that I always wonder how I did with my impromptu judgments afterward, and I never get to find out.  Bugger.  LOL

As usual, this year (for me) it came down to choosing the lesser of the two evils.  I have to admit, it wasn't a 'fun' decision to ignore some things that are very important to me because other things have to take precedence, and I can't have it both ways.  *sigh*

And now, I wait.
That's the worst part about early voting - the delayed gratification.  You have to wait what feels like FOREVER to find out if folks agree with you or not.

We'll see.
But for now I will eat Halloween candy.  :)

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sleepwalking

Having one of those days...

Do you ever feel like you're sleepwalking through the day-to-day?
I do.  I think that's part of the reason I've been trying to fill up the days and weeks with activities, plans, etc.  Maybe it's a form of escape; a way to feel some excitement and purpose.

Sometimes I feel like everything has become so completely familiar that I want to climb out of my own skin - I want to rebel against the familiarity and predictability of my life.

It's probably a destructive urge, but it's undeniably strong.

Life shouldn't feel flat... should it?  What is life without passion and purpose?

I'm trying to climb out of this feeling and make my life purposeful and passionate, because I know I need it.  I need it, and I want it.  I think it's necessary to life, actually... not just for me, but for everyone.  The death of purpose and passion means the death of our souls.






Sunday, October 28, 2012

Ah, Fall Weekends

Boy, have I been busy lately!
Everyone (including me) has been taking advantage of our most temperate, lovely month of the year, and planning a million cool things to do in October.

Friday night we went to a local farm and went through a corn maze, a haystack maze, ate fried Oreos and funnel cake, and went on a nighttime hayride complete with dramatic re-enactment of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.  FUN!

And the highlight of this weekend - the GOTR runway 5K.
I MADE IT OUT ALIVE, and here's the proof!


And, I wasn't last - we actually finished in the top 50%, which I'm pretty excited about.  :D  Given that I was running with an 8 year-old, that's pretty sweet, I think.

We followed up the 5K with a Halloween party, and then zonked. OUT. for many hours... had to be up and ready for today, when we took my Girl Scout troop to the Renaissance Festival!


This is about half my troop - is that a good-looking group of girls, or what?  We had a blast today!  I might be slightly biased, but I think they are the best little girls on the planet!

We had turkey legs, trick-or-treated, rode a camel, watched some zombie jousting, did the festival's 'Treasure Hunt', visited the petting zoo and rode some rides.  It was fabulous introducing three of my girls to this awesome experience for the first time - maybe next year when we go again, I'll dress up!

Whew!  Between yesterday and today, my feet are sore.  :)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Back To School

Of my 35 years of life, approximately 20 of them have been spent enrolled in some sort of school.
TWENTY YEARS.

So tell me, why am I scared NOW?

I've been to four different colleges on six different occasions, and I'm supposed to enroll again for spring semester, but I've been putting it off.  Can't seem to pull the trigger, because I'm scared shitless.

Maybe because this time it's really 'for real'.  I'm going to 'learn a trade' rather than going just because I like learning.  I think perhaps I'm more afraid of what comes afterward... getting a job, and trying to balance running the house and mothering the kids with a full-time job.  It's something I've never done, and something I'm just not sure I even want to do.

When I think about a full-time job outside the home, raising two kids (one of whom has some special needs), keeping the house relatively sanitary, laundry done, homework done, taking the kids to GOTR, karate, and running a Girl Scout troop, I feel like hyperventilating.  Oh, and somewhere in there I'm supposed to take care of myself, my vehicle, cook, exercise, and (according to Cosmo) have a great sex life, too.

Not to mention that next year I'll be going to school AND homeschooling one of my girls.

Yeah, I'm freaked out.

And I KNOW there are Moms that work that will read this and think I'm a total punk for complaining, because they've been doing it all along.  BUT please keep in this in mind:  everyone's situation is different, and you don't know my life or the complexities of it any more than I know yours.

Right now I am sitting here trying to urge myself to make the phone call I need to make to get the ball rolling... wish me luck.  And pray that I don't lose my mind along the way....  LOL!

Edited to add:
I made the phone call.  *gulp*  I'll be on my way soon.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I Don't Care About Your Team



Seriously, it really is.

"But the Panthers..."
No.

"But those refs were..."
No.

"My fantasy football team was..."
NO!

No no no.
I just don't care.  I don't care if the refs sucked, if the new coach is a moron, if all the best players were hurt/sick/dying... I just don't.  But hey, thanks for the 18,000 different recaps in my FB newsfeed - thanks to you people I'll never like football, because I'll never NEED to watch a game to find out what it's like.

 If it's half as annoying as y'all, I feel confident I'm not missing out on anything.

And here I thought elections were bad.  Cripes.  At least that mess only happens every four years as opposed to every. frikken. week....

Seriously dudes.  If FB had a 'hide football statuses' option, I would use it, and use it well.  This is ridiculous.

And man, don't even get me STARTED on the rivalry aspect:
"MY team kicked your team's ASS!  SUCK IT!"
I'm thinking "Really, douchebag?  Since when do YOU play for the NFL?  YOUR team?  Dude, your ass has never even been to Texas... the Cowboys are your team how?"

Meh, I'm really not that big a bitch... I think some people are just begging to be hidden on FB.  Or maybe I'm cranky and I need wine... that could be it, too.


Saturday, October 20, 2012

Busy

Busy makes me happy.
I like seeing the calendar filled up, and knowing that I have plans, obligations, a purpose.  When my plans get cancelled, I mope... or I feel antsy as heck.

All those years of studying Psychology makes me paranoid.
The little voice inside my head says "Really, Dawn?  Busy makes you happy?  If you're not busy; if you have to sit and be still, are you afraid of what you might find?"  Dude.  Am I?  Am I busy because it's the best way to curb reflection and over-thinking?  Heh.  Maybe.

Or maybe I'm over-thinking RIGHT NOW.
Over-thinking, or totally ass-kicking wise?  Who knows.  Probably the former, if history is any indication.  LOL!

My plans got cancelled tonight.  :(  Boo hoo.
We were supposed to go out with friends to a yummy Brazilian steakhouse called Chima.  Total deliciousness.  But, the hubs got sick... so we had to cancel.  :(

Now it's just me, the internet, my DVR, and a bottle of wine.
Not bad company, just not what I was expecting for tonight.  And now I have to make dinner, too.  Crap.

So yeah.  Tonight I'm not busy, and I'm not loving it.
Over the last few months my calendar has been filling up more than ever... putting the kids in activities, taking on more Girl Scouts, meeting friends, doing more sewing, and taking on more and more responsibility.  I like it.  It fills that random 'hole' that I can't figure out and don't know what to do with.

Maybe this is what was missing, maybe not... but it works for now.  :)


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Bruno Mars - Locked Out Of Heaven

I love this song.  :D




Yep.  That's it for now.
It's been a long week... more later.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Happy Anniversary To MEEE!

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.
At 4pm, I will have been married 11 years.

I won't lie, it seems a little nuts to think that an entire DECADE has gone behind us... when did I get old enough to say I've been married 11 years?  Sometimes the wedding itself still seems like it was just a little while ago... how fun that was!  :)

Some snapshots from the wedding (our server is down, or I'd post some better quality images):


 


If I do say so myself, that was a hell of a wedding - a great time was had by all.  People still tell us it was the most fun wedding they've ever been to, and ask us when we're going to do it again.  LOL!

I never really thought I would meet someone who would accept me, warts and all... but as they say, there's a lid for every pot.  It's true, there is.  I am crazy sometimes, I can be emotional and overbearing, and infuriatingly stubborn... but it doesn't matter.  11 years later, and my 'lid' is still hanging in there.  :)

I feel very blessed.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

"Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

I think the title sums it up pretty well.
What is it with people who think that deadlines are merely a suggestion?

I'm a scout leader, and we have a lot of activities and trips happening.  My co-leader and I carefully planned them all, arranged everything, chaperon everything, and take care of all the details... all we ask is that permission slips and money get turned in on time.

It's like pulling teeth.
People, it's simple:  if you want your kid to go, get the crap to us on time.

You had two weeks.

I have a life.  No, I cannot meet you here, there, and everywhere to pick up forms individually.  I'm tired of emailing, and calling, and reminding.  I spent hours typing up information and forms initially, and now I'm spending hours following up.  This. Is. Ridiculous.

Have a little respect for my time.  The world doesn't revolve around you and your kid.

Well, at least I've learned something here - I am too nice and accommodating.  That is going to change.  Next time there will be no follow-up, and deadlines are FIRM.

Get ready, there's a new Dawn approaching...

Monday, October 8, 2012

The Fair - YAY!

So, Saturday my husband and I took the girls to the Cleveland County Fair - it was their first time going, and they had a ball!  Actually, it was the first time for ALL of us.

Yep.  I've lived in this area for most of my life, and I've NEVER been to the fair.  I remember begging to go every year when I was a kid... they'd hand out those yellow 'free tickets' at school, and I'd come home waving it around, saying 'Can we go, can we go?  It's FREE!'  I didn't get it.

We never got to go when I was a kid, because it was much too expensive - we simply didn't have the money, even with the 'free' admission ticket.  It never occurred to me as a kid that that 'free ticket' would only get me through the gates... rides cost extra.  And BOY do they ever!

I admit, I still really didn't have a clue when we went on Saturday... I was excited to finally go, and to take my kids!  Then, the sticker-shock set in.

O.M.G.

We got tickets, and immediately I grabbed the kids and ran gleefully to the Ferris Wheel... that's when I saw the ticket cost, and calculated that it would cost around $25 for my family of four to go around in circles for a few minutes.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

We gave the Ferris Wheel a miss.  But then we ended up spending $25 for the four of us to ride The Himalaya for less than 5 minutes....  I couldn't resist it.  I went to the State Fair years ago when I lived in Raleigh, and remember loving that ride, so I had to do it again.

All in all, I learned a lot at the fair.

1.  The price-gouging is so ridiculous, you need an economy-sized tube of KY.
2.  A fair is a good way to gain 10 lbs in one day, because food is the ONLY affordable thing there, and everything is deep-fried.
3.  You can deep-fry anything, and it will be good.  Stricklands of Shelby has proven that.
4.  Chicken coops smell like the bowels of hell when under a barn on a hot day.
5.  Don't go off the path.  You WILL step in something unsavory.

The best part?  My loaded ribbon fries, and chocolate-covered strawberries on a stick.  GOOD.  Really, really good.  Next time, the deep-fried Milky Way is MINE.  :D

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Gotta Run!

So, I'm back on the Couch to 5k wagon.  I say 'back on' because I did it once a couple of years ago, but lost steam after I got very sick that winter, and I never went back to it.  Until now.

My daughter joined Girls On The Run this year, and she needs a 'running buddy'.

I was surprised to find that I wanted to do it.  And I don't want her to be dragging me across the finish line - my goal is simply to be able to KEEP UP with my 8 year-old.  LOL!

I'm not gonna lie... at first I thought "Ugh, not THIS again!"  I never really got that 'running high' people talk about, last time.  It was always a struggle to get up and do it - I definitely didn't look forward to it.  And my first day back at it, I thought I would die.  I got to a point where I thought I couldn't make it any longer, and thought "I must be nearly done" only to hear the perky announcer-lady on the phone app cheerfully say "YOU'RE HALFWAY!"  I wanted to track her down and punch her in the neck.  HALF-EFFING-WAY?!  I'm dying here!

But this time... this time, an amazing thing is happening - I like it.  In a perverse way, I look forward to it.  I know it'll be tough, and it'll kick my butt, but I look forward to it anyway.  And I don't want to punch the announcer-lady in the neck anymore.  This time, I actually think I can DO this!  :D

What's different?  I don't know.  Maybe my motivation?
This time I'm not doing it because I want to look better, I'm not doing it because I think I should, or to placate my husband... I'm doing it because I WANT to, plain and simple.  :)  I think that's the difference - it's for me this time.

Our first 5k is on October 27th... and I'm looking forward to it.  Now, I hope I don't pass out halfway through, or get shamed by a bunch of 8 year-olds.  :D

Wish me luck!  (And pray that I don't die in the process.  LOL)

Monday, October 1, 2012

Freaking Elections SUCK

Well, it's about that time again - election time.  And I have come to one conclusion:  four years is simply not enough time to get over the horrors of the last election process... and now they want me to do it AGAIN?

*faint*

I'm over it.
This sucks.
I hate assholes and I hate politics - so I'm screwed.

Tell me, how in the hell am I supposed to choose a candidate to run this country?   My choices are candidate X who seems to view me as a second-class citizen (at best), and candidate Y, who seems to want to save every vagrant and welfare-moocher on my dime.

SERIOUSLY?
THESE are my choices?
It's like asking a person to choose what terminal illness is 'just right for them'.

At this point, I may as well just abstain from the vote, because there is NO good choice for me, as a semi-conservative woman.  I feel very overlooked and unrepresented, and don't think I can vote in good conscience.

*sigh*

I guess I'll just be hoping that the country doesn't go to hell in a handbasket (even more) by the next election, and that next time there will be someone I can actually feel good about.  And maybe I'll go ice skating in hell on my summer vacation...


Saturday, September 29, 2012

New Quilts!

Just dropping by to show off my newest projects, finally DONE!
I made each of my girls a personal quilt, and I'm really pleased with the end results.  :)

Anna's quilt - a bug jar design, for my little bug-lover.  :)  The middle square features her pet cockroach, Scrambles.


Ella's quilt - a sea turtle quilt, adapted from a wall-hanging pattern.  I knew Ella would love this quilt because the design called for batiks, and she is a huge fan of the bright, fun, rainbow-like patterns.  :)



Wall-hanging pattern by Connie Spurlock:  http://sewwonderfuldreams.secure-mall.com/category/Applique-3/rec/36

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Snarky With A Chance Of Sarcasm

Sometimes, snarky stuff just makes me smile.

Oh, don't look at me like that - you know you like it too, when you're in the right mood.  Snark and sarcasm... supposedly the lowest form of wit.  Do I care?  Hell no, I'm too busy laughing my evil butt off.

We all know THIS person:

Um, yeah.  Seriously, people?

Bwahahaha!  

True story.

I truly love idiots on Facebook.  Hello?  They're called Privacy Settings - it's not that hard.

I know, right?  No, wait, I'm not done yet!  Just hang on while I go get a few hundred more things - you don't mind, do you?

*snort* I love it!

See, honey?  You wouldn't want a dull wife, now would you?

Oh Pinterest, how I love you for exposing me to such lovely snark and sarcasm I would otherwise not see.  Sometimes you just need to feed your evil snarky side in the morning, so you can be a pleasant, sweet southern girl the rest of the day.  (STOP. LAUGHING.  I was serious... sort of.  How about tolerable?  Will that do?)

Now, off to peruse Pinterest some more so I can see how to make a wreath for every season, how to make everything better with cheese, and how versatile frozen wine cubes can be.

Ciao!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

It's Coffee Time!

Oh coffee, how I've missed you....

For months now I have looked at Starbucks longingly, wanting just one little coffee.  Just one... I just need one hit!  (Sorry, yeah, I'm back now).  Nothing weird or scandalous going on, I just can't drink coffee when it's hot outside, and I don't like it cold.  (That's what she said.  Heh.)

The temperature is dropping.  That means it's coffee time!  Yay!
The first day the high dropped into the low 80's I was in line, waiting for my fix.  It had been months, and my first one needed to be a good, high-quality hit.

Cinnamon Dolce Latte, you never disappoint.  You are no Gingerbread Latte, granted, but you do nicely.

It was still too hot for coffee.  :(  By the time I left the store, I was sweating... my taste buds were in heaven, but lord help me, it felt like I'd swallowed a tiny troop of Girl Scouts who were building little signal fires in my stomach.

Mornings are golden.
Right now, If I get my coffee jolt before 10am, I am good to go.  Nice 50 degree mornings... ahhh.

My one complaint:
WHY must Starbucks be so damned delicious?  $4 a cup is just wrong.  I can't wait until Christmas, when I will hopefully get some gift cards (no, no, of course that's not a hint).  But until then, I've discovered that my Green Mountain Pumpkin Spice K-Cups are a little cup of heaven when combined with Cinnabon creamer.

I may just be able to keep a roof over my head this winter after all.  :)

Monday, September 17, 2012

SO Embarrassing

I feel as though I am 'officially' a Mom today.

That's right, I'm in the club now.  As of today, I have been publicly spurned by my eldest child.
"UGH.  That is SO embarrassing."

I have kissed that child goodbye every morning of her school-going life in the drop-off line.  I have hugged her, kissed her, and said "I love you! Have a great day!"  Every. Single. Day.  And every day she's smiled and said "Love you too, Momma!"

But not today.  *sniff*
Today she hopped out, scowled, and said "UGH.  That is SO embarrassing."

SHE'S EIGHT!
I thought this wasn't supposed to happen until they were approaching middle school?

I know it's normal, I remember doing it myself, but man... I have to admit I'm kind of bummed.  :(

I thought I had a few more years before I was relegated to 'embarrassment' status.  What's worse is that I remember telling my Mom that her 'oldies' music (sixties music) was REALLY embarrassing, and could she please turn it down before dropping me off... I know it's coming for me, too.

My EIGHTIES/NINETIES music that I adore is now 'oldies'.

*faint*

When did I become my Mom?

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Bon Jovi - Bed Of Roses

I both love and hate this song.  *sigh*



Hurt, depression, longing, self-discovery, wanting a do-over... yeah.  Good, but bad.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

It's Been A Bad Pet Week :(

It's been a bad week for pets in our family.  :(

My daughter's pet cockroaches got out of control with their breeding, so I had to 'thin the herd', and humanely put down a good number of the little guys.  I wouldn't have thought I'd have trouble doing it, but it wasn't pleasant - I felt really guilty.  :(

On the morning of September 11th, my husband woke up to an awful 'cat present'.  One of the kids must have left the hamster cage unsecured... my little buddy Hamlet got out, and one of the cats decided to actually behave like a cat for once and take him down.  :(  They left his little body right outside our bedroom door.  :(  I loved that little guy....

This morning I noticed one of the cats was acting weird, not moving, and meowing really strangely.  We took her in to the vet when my husband noticed that her feet were cold, and she was dragging herself with the upper part of her body - she'd lost the use of her back legs.  The vet said she had heart problems and that it had caused a blood clot rendering her unable to walk, and cutting off circulation to her back legs.  Her heartbeat was erratic and her breathing labored.  We chose to have her put to sleep.  :(  But it didn't end there.  The poor kitty's circulation was suffering so much that her heart couldn't pump the meds through her body - it wasn't working.  They had to give her another shot in the chest, closer to the heart.  It was traumatic for me, even though I thought I was prepared... she was 13 years old.

It's definitely been a tough week.
Man, it's gotta get better from here, right?

The guilt is killing me.
I was implicated in every one of these deaths.  I put the cockroaches down.  If I'd only checked the cage one more time before I went to bed, Hamlet wouldn't have died.  I helped make the decision to put Ariel to sleep....  I really feel sad and guilty about my role in all this.  :(

Totally bummed today.  :(

Friday, September 7, 2012

Dear Walmart Shoppers

Dear Walmart Shoppers,

I realize the intrinsic appeal of a good deal; believe me, I do.  I shop at Walmart sometimes because the selection is outstanding and the prices are competitive, if not ridiculously low.  I get this.  I understand that sometimes, in the middle of the day, you NEED to load up all six of your screaming kids (under the age of 5) to get cheese puffs and Natty Lite.  Whatever.

But there are a few things I don't understand and that leave me shaking my head, such as:

The mullet.  Is this required for the special secret Walmart Rewards Card, or something?  Because seriously?  I see an inordinate number of people walking around (both men and women) sporting the exact same Joe Dirt haircut.  It's disturbing.  Is there a little Clone Capsule at the back wherein you enter looking normal, and exit looking like a Hee Haw extra?  That's OK Walmart... this is one special club I'll opt out of, thanks.

Overalls.  Again, WTF?  Last time I checked, this was not a farming community... people don't roll up in the parking lot in their John Deere's, or their horses and buggies.  So WHAT'S with the overalls, people?  Oh, and a side note:  wife beaters are never attractive, and they are even less appealing (if that's possible) under a dirty pair of bib overalls.

Vehicles.  1992 called... they want their Geo Tracker back.  Ditto the souped-up Civic with tinted windows and pink details.  Just say no.

Tattoos.  What's the minimum these days, six?  Seven?  How long until they start performing body checks at the door and I'm not allowed entry due to my paltry little ONE?  With the amount of body art showing up, Walmart should start charging admission to that shit... just sayin'.  Move over Ripley's... there's a new freak show in town.

Tweety Bird.  Why is every third person in Walmart sporting something bearing the likeness of good old Tweety?   I don't get the appeal of wearing your Tweety Bird flannel pants to run out for Boone's Farm and Pork Rinds.

Bras.  The lack thereof - need I say more?

I don't understand, people.

I get wanting to pay as little as possible for household items and food; after all, them manicures and Fendi bags ain't gonna pay for themselves, and you got little ones to feed, hon.  I get it.  But for THE LOVE OF GOD, at the very least lay off the overalls, slap on a bra, and give Tweety a rest once in a while.  I beg you.

Sincerely,
Blinded By The Horrors

Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Long And Winding Road

I heard this song on the radio today, on the way to the store...

I'm ashamed to say that I switched the station as fast as my fingers could.  It's too painful.  When I hear the opening notes, I see my brother in his coffin.  :'(

When Tony died in 1989, just a few weeks before his death he told me he wanted the song 'Let It Be' by The Beatles played at his funeral.  I let everyone know, though I'm not sure they believed me.  :(  At any rate, they played 'Let It Be' and 'The Long And Winding Road' at the funeral home... it was on an endless loop,along with some Amy Grant songs.

I remember looking up, just as the opening strains of this song played, and seeing his face just above the lip of his coffin... I will never forget that moment.

Lisa Loeb - Stay

This song always reminds me of my niece, Lauren.

 It came out in 1994, but in 1995 it was one of her favorites.  :)  She sang it all the time, swimming in her neighbor Teresa's pool that summer (she was about Anna's age... 7.5).  :)

I had just come back from Ohio, and it was the first time I'd seen her in a while.  It has stuck with me all this time, and she's all I think about when I hear this song.  :)

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Back To School - And A Few Random Things

So, my kiddos finally went back to school on Monday - first grade and third grade.
Look at those beautiful girls:


Of course they wanted to goof around, and I had to BEG for just ONE good picture.  "C'mon, you two - just one good one!  Pretend you like each other!"  After much cajoling, I finally got a result.  Both Anna's feet are on the ground, she is looking at the camera, and Ella isn't frowning or showing me her underwear - SCORE.

I cannot believe I'm a Momma to such lovely, smart, BIG girls!

Things are going OK so far - only a few minor school-related meltdowns (my oldest likes to complain, and her sister is anxiety-prone... I have NO idea where they get that from.  *whistles*).  At any rate, I'm hoping this bodes well for the rest of the year.  :)

As for me?

I got rid of the blonde highlights for fall... thinking of getting some rich caramel color put in... we'll see.  :)

I'm getting my house in order finally, after a long, messy summer, and it feels good to have a little order and structure back in my life.  Though, I must admit, it's lonely here without all the little voices....  :(

I've been running a LOT of errands lately, and have a few tips:

* If you are out running errands and decide to get your eyebrows waxed, for the love of God, do it last...  unless you like people looking at you like you grew an extra head, that is.

* When you go to a nail salon for said waxing, the tech WILL notice your gnarly toenails and try to up-sell you on a pedicure.  Wear closed-toe shoes.

* If you need anything even SLIGHTLY out of the box, don't go to GNC.  They suck.  The woman didn't even know what sublingual meant... I had to spell it out for her, and then they didn't even have what I needed.

* Eat before you take your car into the dealership.  If you don't, you'll suddenly find yourself making a 3-course meal out of Gardettos, stale danish, and coffee that tastes like lighter fluid.  There are better ways to go about getting nourishment.

* When you go to Sam's Club hungry, there will never be any sample ladies hanging around.  It's a universal law.

* The one time you have to run an errand (or have an appointment) in the evening is the one night your kid will have a CRAPLOAD of homework.  Count on it.

You're welcome.  :)



Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Goodbye To Chester

Today is a sad day.

Today we said goodbye to Chester.

Chester was my sister's dog, and I have known him, and been either with him or close to him since he came to the family in 1997.


He was a cantankerous dog, and hated pretty much everyone, but he tolerated me.  He was crazy smart, crazy active, super intelligent, and LOVED frisbees.  When he was little, he was so obsessed, we had to spell it... F.R.I.S.B.E.E.  But that didn't last long AT ALL... he learned how to spell it!

I took him to meet Lauren's class in elementary school.  I squirted him with a water gun when he was a puppy, because he barked to get my attention the entire time I was trying to do my college homework.  I threw a million frisbees for him.  I petted him when almost nobody else would touch him (because he was mean).  I stood up for him, told everyone he was too smart for his own good, that's why he was cranky.  I think he was my doggie soul-mate.  :)

We buried him with a frisbee tonight.  A storm was rolling in, and two seconds after the last mound of dirt was put on his grave, the heavens opened up.  When I was little I heard that rain during a funeral was a good omen... I looked it up after it happened tonight.  Apparently folklore says that rain during a funeral means that the deceased was accepted into heaven.

Welcome to heaven, Chester, you cranky boy.
I'm glad I got to know you.  :)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Toddler Flashback

So, for the last two days I've been presiding over a brood of FOUR rather than my usual two.

It's been an experience, for sure.  I am an old pro at handling two - you get used to the interpersonal dynamics, know how to defuse situations, and are fairly adept at keeping things clean enough to avoid a nasty visit from the Department of Health.  But with two extras?  It's a little tricky.... especially when three are around the same age, and the third is a toddler.

I am not used to having a toddler around, anymore.

It's true what they say:  you forget.  Your mind just locks it away in a vault, and all you remember are the rosy bits.  You forget how two year-old kids put everything in their mouths.  You forget how utterly Houdini-like toddlers are, and how they FIND EVERYTHING.  You forget that the minute you put the toddler down for a nap, he/she will inevitably poop - it's like a Pavlovian trigger:  nap = poop.  I'd forgotten it all, but it came crashing back with a quickness as soon as I spotted said two year-old RIDING my (15 lb) dog, clutching my child's (pricey!) portable game system, and sucking on a silver ring.  YIKES!

And yes, she did poop as soon as I put her down for a nap... the first day.  Today she pooped while she was playing, and when I walked into the room, do you know how I knew?  The dog.  The FREAKING DOG was nipping at her behind.  GROSS!

Said dog chewed a hole in the diaper to try to get to the poop.  (Note to self:  babies and Jack Russell Terriers do not mix.)  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, though... this is the same dog that prefers dirty, bug-filled, fetid standing water to the fresh, clean, cold water in her bowl.  Blech.

At any rate, I'm kind of pooped (ha).
I'd forgotten how 'on your toes' you need to be with the under-4 set.  The child is a perfectly pleasant kid, but I must say - I'm very grateful for vasectomies today.  :)  I'm over the poop thing.

Monday, August 13, 2012

The Shot

Boy, did I give birth to a dynamite little Drama Queen.
Lest you think I'm 'mean' in that description, let me give you a few examples:

* Two nights ago she kept me up, hysterically crying (her, not me) due to an unspecified pain in one foot.

* I had to pick the kids up early from VBS one night, and DQ wailed.  And wailed, and wailed... I had to carry her out.

* The shockwave player on her computer was apparently acting up the other day.  I had no idea.  However, I did believe she was being disemboweled by a mutant wolf - her screams were that bone-chilling.  Oh, and did I mention I was in the bathroom at the time?  Yeah.

* Last week she discovered a hole in one of her beloved stuffed animals - need I say more?

This brings us nicely up to a few days ago, when DQ had a sore throat.  OMG, you would think she had smallpox, polio, and the plague all at once - clearly she was dying, and in the most painful way possible.  She had a fever, though, and her throat was red, so off to the doctor.

Strep throat.
I told her it was up to her - she could get meds, or a shot.  (I will admit to talking up the shot, however, because remembering meds twice a day for 10 days is a PAIN.)  To my surprise, she opted for the shot -until she saw it.

Cue banshee.
"I don't WANT it!"
"NO! NOOOOO!  It's big!"

So, I sweet talk her, hold her still, and bam... it's over.  SO I THINK.
Turns out, the fun's JUST beginning.

*SCREAM*
She's holding her hip, SCREAMING the walls down.  And what is she screaming?
"IT HURTS!!  I changed my mind, I CHANGED MY MIND!  TAKE IT AWAY!"

Mind you, the shot was already in her, and traveling through her little drama-rific bloodstream.  Yet more proof that my child thinks I have supernatural powers, or that I am at the very least a demigod.  She was FURIOUS with me that I wouldn't 'let' her change her mind.

I had to promise the child Chick-Fil-A AND ice cream to avoid being carted away by the cops for apparent child abuse.  Boy, oh boy.

Note to self:  Antibiotic shots = pure craziness.



Friday, August 10, 2012

Wall Hanging (And An Accuquilt!)

I've been sewing like crazy lately!
I've got a few projects going right now, and one that I just finished.  I finally made something for myself - a wall hanging:


Next up are a bug quilt, and a sea turtle quilt for my daughters.  :)  Too bad I cut out all the squares for the bug quilt last week, because yesterday my husband surprised me with THIS!  An Accuquilt!  Woo!


If you've never heard about this amazing piece of equipment, you should!  http://www.accuquilt.com/  It cuts your quilt squares with perfect precision - up to SIX layers at a time.  I can do in 20 seconds what it normally would take me 30 minutes (or more) to do.  Ah-mayzing.  This thing is super easy to use, cuts like BUTTER, and slashes your workload by an amazing amount.  (My scissor fingers are weeping tears of joy.)

I'm so stoked to make my first project using my brand-new cutter!

Friday, August 3, 2012

I Love The Smell Of Notebooks In The Morning...

What is it about buying composition books, binders, paper and pencils that makes me so happy?

It's tax-free weekend here in NC, and the perfect opportunity to do some back-to-school shopping, so the kids and I hit up Target today.  Ohhh, the notebooks and stacks of paper make me feel giddy with excitement - and I'm not even the one going back to school!

There is just something about a pristine notebook, perfectly sharpened pencils, and a brand-new box of crayons... it's almost a feeling of reverence for such clean, perfect goodness, and the promise of neat organization and a new start.  Yes, only I can turn a few notebooks and pencils into a religious experience!  LOL.  Hey, you gotta start somewhere, right?

But seriously... the smell of new notebooks and crisp paper still makes me feel nervous excitement in the pit of my stomach.  All those years of conditioning die hard, I suppose.  :)

I love this time of year.  :D
I may even have to go back to the store and snag some fresh pencils and notebooks for myself - just because I can.

4 weeks until school starts, and I think (know, actually) that I'm more nervous than the kids.  For once, I'M the one dreading the start of school, new supplies notwithstanding. I'm nervous about Anna, and how she'll do this year... I can't take another year like this last one!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

I Hate Pinworms

Just a normal day in the neighborhood.

My kids have pinworms again, I have laundry piled up to the ceiling (largely due to the pinworm debacle), and I've spent the last few days bleaching my entire house, cleaning carpets, and cleaning the caves of shit otherwise known as kid rooms.

I think I'm going to go batshit insane.  Soon.
I am seriously worn out.

On the other hand, it is so nice to have everything in order and in it's place, if only for a little while.  I love it, but it's so hard for one person to keep up in a house this size!  (Plus, I live with at least two (possibly three) people who have an episode of 'Hoarders' in their future.)

Four weeks until school starts back!  I should be happy (and I am, in a way), but I'm nervous.  Nervous about how the year will go for Anna... what teacher will she get?  Will we be able to hold off her triggers, will her teacher be cooperative, will she be able to make (and keep) friends?  Are her therapies actually helping? There's a knot in my stomach thinking about it.  She's not thrilled about going back, either... she has asked me several times to homeschool her.  I feel badly, but I'm not ready to take that leap yet.  We'll see.

I'm going back to school in the winter... yep, a little nervous.  It's been a while!  I'm worried that I won't be able to keep up my grades with the kids, Anna's therapies, their homework, the house, Girl Scouts, the pets... there will be a LOT on my plate.

Whew.  I sense a lot of Starbucks in my future.

In other news, my niece is pregnant!  I will be a Great-Aunt for the 9th time in March.  :)  I must have been thinking of her before I went to bed last night, because I dreamed I adopted an 8 year-old girl from China... when I woke up I felt sad, like I missed this fictional kid.  Crazy!  I have very vivid and emotionally-charged dreams.

Meh.  Enough with the prattling, I guess, and back to cleaning.  By the time I'm done, you'd be able to perform surgery on my bathroom floor.  :D

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Kid Update

So... kid update.

My baby (Anna) is 8 years old.  How on EARTH did that happen?
Eight isn't exactly a milestone birthday, but for some reason it feels really old to me.  I think it's because I have very few (good) memories of my own early childhood - but I remember an awful lot from eight forward, so I guess I feel like I can relate to her in a different way, now.

It's strange... I don't really know how to describe it properly.  :)

OT is really helping Anna as well.  I think we may have stumbled upon a solution to her handwriting difficulties - cursive.  Her OT Gail discovered that her handwriting improves 100% if you allow her to write in cursive.  So, I think that may need to go in her IEP for this coming school year.  The difference is astounding!

Ella is getting so big... and she's obsessed with having a pet of her own.

She's been haranguing me nonstop for a hamster.  (Well, first it was a guinea pig, but I said NO!  They need too much space, and they need to be in pairs.)  She WILL NOT let it go.  *sigh*  Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-pet... I like animals.  But we already have two cats, a dog, a turtle, and probably 30 Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches.  This house simply isn't equipped to be a makeshift farm.

Anyway... we're in discussions about it.  I told her that IF she gets one, she has to pay for everything herself, and take care of it.  We went to PetSmart yesterday to price everything out... she needs at least $50 - she's already got about $30 saved up.

Sigh.

In other news, she said this to me at dinner last night, and cracked me right the heck up:

"Corn.  It has a vegetable taste, but it's sweet.  That is SO wrong."

Hahaha!  "That is SO wrong."  I don't know WHERE she gets that from.  ;)

Monday, July 9, 2012

When A Narcissist Says "We Can Still Be Friends"

An interesting tidbit I came across, that I think sums up the actions/words of Narcissists to a fine point.  Speaking from personal experience here, this seems pretty dead on.


When a psychopath says "We can still be friends".

Translation:  "I am using a screwdriver right now, but you are the best hammer I ever had, so stay on the shelf where I can get to you if I need you for something the screwdriver cannot do."

-Thomas Sheridan, Author of Puzzling People - The Labyrinth of the Psychopath

So I Dated A Narcissist...


Yep, I did.  More than once.
And I don't mean narcissist in the 'loose' sense... I mean, full-on word-twisting, game-playing, rug-pulling, disturbed narcissism with a CAPITAL N.

Wanna know the worst part?
I didn't know it.  I thought I WAS CRAZY.  I thought I was deficient, didn't know how to have a proper relationship, and that I must have done SOMETHING.  For years and years I wondered where it all went wrong... what did I do?

I didn't do anything shady.  I loved, and expected love in return.
Apparently that's where I went wrong - expecting in return.  Narcissists want you to feed their ego... they want what they want, when they want it.  They will woo you however they have to until they get what they want/need, then they will drop you like last week's leftovers... until they need another ego boost.

Thank God that I stumbled across a website of other women describing my past to a TEE.  Thank God it's not just me, and I wasn't crazy after all.

I'm going to list a few gems from a website, just for kicks.  These are things a narcissist SAYS, then underneath, it's what they mean.  If you start hearing this stuff, and start to believe you're crazy, you're probably with a Narcissist.  Get out, before you spend years confused and despairing, wondering what's wrong with you.  Trust me.

Annnnd... GO!

What do you like about me?
Come on... give me some supply here... I'm fresh out and my ego would like a hit!

You took that out of context.
Damn, you're on to me. I need to make you think you're losing you mind and imagining things. I will deny everything I said. - a Narc classic

I think I'm a really good person for you to know.
I'm going to suck you dry and take you for all you're worth! Yee haw!!

I feel a sort of twinship and kinship with you.
You're a great target. I'm lining you up as my next victim. Wonder if you'll fall for the 'you're my soulmate' line?

No one knows you better than I do.
You're going to be what I want you to be, so bend over and take it!

You read too much into everything.
You're getting close to figuring me out, damn you!

We will never be able to be together.
Now that I have you brainwashed and totally in love with me I'm going to grind you down and hurt you so badly you'll never be able to get up again.

You know the answer!
I don't know what to say to brainwash you more, so I'll let you twist and fill in the blanks for awhile.

I'm not going to get into this right now!
You're catching on to me... I am going to shame dump and guilt you so you will stop questioning me.

I see something in you.
...I can exploit, use and abuse for my own needs... so bend over baby 'cause here it comes

I don't think you and I talking would do either of us any good.
Since you have me figured out and won't buy any more of my b.s. I can't face you. You scare me and you might just reveal more of the sick predator I am.

I would be stoked if she had a little more enthusiasm toward me.
I'm KING OF THE WORLD... whooo hooo

She should be stoked that I love to surf everyday, and I'm good at it.
Her whole life isn't all about ME!!! She's breaking through my brainwashing & abuse. Damn her... how can I make her feel bad??

She resents my lifestyle. "I Live in Lightness", and she lives in Heaviness, Drama, and Ungratefulness.
She ripped off my mask and figured out what a user, abuser and complete fake piece of pond scum I am. So I will now say negative things about her for calling me on my shit. Implying she's an unhappy drama queen is the just beginning of my smear campaign.

We cannot be friends. I'm doing this for both of us
I couldn't care less about you. I don't want you around to warn my new victims...

I did it to protect you
I did it to protect me but now I am going to make you feel bad by backward talking!

I just don't feel passionately about you in the way a man is supposed to love a woman.  
I can't feel any emotions and you want emotions... so I will make it YOUR fault.

I want the baby but not the mother.
Babies don't know any different. As soon as the baby develops a mind of its own, however - I will dump it faster than I dumped you. Besides, babies are great lures for new victims... er, women.

I left you because of the way you treated me.
I left because you started to figure me out... Damn you.

Your expectations are unreasonable...
I can't give you what you want because I am not human and I am evil. So let's make this your fault.

I would never do anything to hurt you.
(BACKWARDS TALK) I love hurting you, it makes me feel so powerful and in control - so never defend yourself against me. Wait until I throw you away like a used condom! (Tarzan yell)

You and I understand each other.
(NLP) I want you to think you understand me and I have profiled and brainwashed you so thoroughly! Man I love controlling you.

You did impact me.
You had no impact on me. No one & nothing does. But if I say this it will have an IMPACT on YOU and I can take up free rent in YOUR head forever.

I won't forget you.
I already forgot but I want to make sure you obsess about me forever! OOOOO!! Power!

You know I have feelings for you.
Feelings I won't define. However I am envious, angry and downright jealous of you and always have been. You're decent, real, honest, well-liked, talented and smart. Everything I am not. But if I imply I might 'love you' you won't rip off my mask!

We can never be friends NO friend treats me like you did.
I have NO friends - I have proxies and sycophants. How dare you figure me out!

We will always be attracted to each other.
An NLP command to plant in your brain to make sure I can come around and sleep with you whenever I want.

I value you.
You're great Narcissistic Supply.

I guess this relationship has not been healthy for you.
Wow I feel so good inside knowing how bad I messed you up. I am so powerful! ME ME ME!!

She forced me to choose between her and the army.
And she wanted me to stop sleeping around... something I will NEVER NEVER do!! mwhaaa haaa haa!

I would never lie to you.
(typical backwards N talk. If their mouth is moving, they're lying.)

Maybe I am not the right person for you.
I am going to 'sow the seeds of doubt' in you so that you will work harder to make ME happy and PLEASE ME ME ME. This will also keep her trauma-bonded to me because she'll be afraid of me leaving her!

Every man wants to be king of his castle.
I am OMNIPOTENT! If I tell her EVERY man wants to be like it totally justifies my behavior and makes her feel like crap. (Tarzan yell)

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Gilbert Gottfried and Fifty Shades of Grey

I love the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy... I'm actually ashamed to admit how many times I've read those damned books.  I saw this today on FB, and I couldn't resist passing it on - Gilbert Gottfried reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey'.

So wrong, yet so hilarious.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Rantings Of The Sleep-Deprived

I can't sleep.  I lay there and tried for a long time, but it's just not coming.

The problem is that I can't seem to shut my mind down.  No matter what I do, it persists in wandering, recollecting, circling around and around.... I hate when this happens, because when I eventually run out of random minutiae to revisit, my mind usually just INSISTS that it needs to go over things that just shouldn't be visited - especially not at 11:30 pm.  Then I DEFINITELY can't sleep.

Vicious cycle.  *sigh*

So here I sit, typing in the middle of the night, hoping it will clear my mind enough to eventually catch some sleep.  The middle of the night is a lonely place when you don't want to be awake, and you can't stop thinking.

I could get these things off my chest here, in the dark, and it would feel very good... but in the morning I'll wake up, and they'll still be here in black and white, exposed to (potentially) everyone I ever knew.  Bad idea.  So I will keep it where it likely belongs, and prattle about a more palatable subject matter.

The weather's been lovely.
I know I'm probably one of very few who feel this way when the thermometer edges past 100 degrees, but I just adore summer.  I guess it is a throwback from childhood... it was my favorite then, for obvious reasons, and I just never outgrew it.

So, it's been crazy-hot here (108 the other day), and I've been spending a lot of time with my best friend and her son.  We took the kids to Steele Creek campground on Friday and played, picnicked, and lounged about in the baking sun for 5 hours straight.  I suppose its a forgone conclusion that I'm now sunburned, no? 

Yesterday we hit up Discovery Place with the kids, then had a bit of a cook-out at my place... I made white sangria (yum!) and we dug out the photo albums and some of my old journals.  Oh, boy!  Why do women always get so nostalgic when we drink?

Today I took the kids and dog to the Schiele Museum to walk the trail... it went surprisingly well, given how hot it was (105).  Later the kids and I trekked down to the creek in our neighborhood, and they had a grand time splashing around, finding cool rocks, and attempting to catch minnows.

The weekend went by in such a blur... I can't believe we're back around to Monday again!  AND... AND it's July already?  WTF, where did June go?!  When I was a kid, a day seemed to last forever... summer lasted forever, and time just seemed to crawl.  Now it moves at the speed of light, and I'm panicking a little - a year passes in the blink of an eye.

It occurred to me when I was lying in bed (not sleeping) that tomorrow (probably today, by the time I'm done) is July 2.  I know that means nothing to others, but it does to me.  Again I say, lord... where does the time go?!

I know I've been up way too long now, because I'm starving again.  I saw a Cracker Barrel ad on FB yesterday, and have been desperately wanting it since then.  I will have to put that craving to rest sometime this week, I believe.  Hmm.  I don't think I had dinner, which may account somewhat for my ravenous hunger.

Ah well, I am well and truly prattling now, so it's probably time to shut up.  :)