Thursday, December 8, 2011

Failure Is The Path Of Least Resistance

Some days, and weeks, just suck.
They chew you up and spit you out.

I think there are times when everyone feels like a failure, but I have to tell you: it's really an awful feeling thinking you're failing your child(ren).  I mean, I know everyone feels badly when they don't think they are doing a good job... but it really, really gets to me.

I tried explaining this to my husband, and he didn't really seem to get it... until I said to him "How would you feel if your life's work seemed to be spinning out of control?  If you had no idea how to handle it, and everyone judged you and thought it (even the worst of it) was just supposed to 'come naturally' to you?  Would you be upset?"

The answer?  Of course.  Especially if he were doing his level best.

My kids are my life's work.  I didn't go back to work in order to raise them.  I never used my degree, and any skills I might have had once upon a time are outdated and useless.  THIS is my life's work... and I feel like I must be doing it all wrong because there are always so many problems.

I guess I had the idea that things would be a bit nicer, a bit easier....
I didn't know it would be so lonely.
I didn't know I would have a child who didn't respond to virtually anything like the other children I know.
I didn't know that the endless cycles of picking up junk, doing laundry, and just trying to keep up would fill most of my waking thoughts so completely.
I didn't know that love isn't enough to be a good parent.
I didn't realize just how demanding parenthood could be, and how much everyone expected of you.

So yes, I feel like a failure.  But according to Sir James Matthew Barrie, I guess maybe I'm not.  He says "Failure is the path of least resistance."

I certainly don't feel like this is the path of least resistance, so perhaps I'm not failing at all....
We shall see.

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