Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Past

I don't talk about the past much... at least not in concrete terms.  I know I allude to it at times, but rarely do I discuss it frankly; especially not here.

But tonight I am.  I just feel like it, and it's my blog, so there.

I have Daddy issues.  There.  I said it.  Daddy issues.
It seems like a psychological buzz-word, doesn't it?  Something celebrities and whiners talk about, but it doesn't really mean much, am I right?  Some entitled, lazy, Prima Donna trying to blame everyone but herself for her problems, no?  That's what it calls to mind.

I'm a normal woman, for the most part.  I'm not lazy, or self-centered, and even though I majored in Psychology (and know a pretty decent amount about it), I have always been loathe to talk about this kind of stuff for fear of seeming like a 'whiner' and a 'blamer'.  I don't like chronic whiners, and I don't respect people who blame everyone else for their issues.  That's why this is hard for me to admit, and to write.

That being said, I'm going to do this anyway, so here goes.

My Dad walked out of my life when I was 4 years old.  He never looked back, and it fucked me up good and proper.  (Sorry if you don't like the language, but I can't think of a better way to put it.)  He left, and then he went off and made a whole new family for himself.  Oh, but that's not the best part... he pretended we didn't exist.  That's right, he never mentioned us... it wasn't until MANY years later that his most recent family (there were three altogether) found out that my brother and I existed.  Lovely, no?

Every little girl's first love is her Dad.  How are you supposed to feel, knowing that you were interchangeable?  Well, it's not a good feeling, I can tell you that.  Knowing that someone you loved so dearly can walk away without a second thought is a shitty, SHITTY feeling.  You spend most of your childhood fearful that your Mom will walk away, too.

After that, you don't trust.  You just don't.  You feel like everything is temporary, and can be gone in the blink of an eye.  But someday you have to date... someday you are bound to fall in love.  What happens then?

You date a little... some of us make a lot of BAD decisions along the way... but eventually you find someone to trust.  It feels like a whole new world, being able to trust a man... loving someone and feeling like they love you in return.  I never thought it would happen, really.  In reality, I was shocked when it did, and was shocked to realize that I really trusted him.

Most teenagers/young adults go from relationship to relationship without much thought.  They 'love' but it's never that involved, really.  Well, for someone with 'Daddy issues' it's a little different.  We don't use the words 'love' or 'trust' arbitrarily, because we trust few.  To really LOVE is even rarer, because it requires a great deal of trust and abandon that just isn't at all normal for us.  We've been burned, badly... and when we trust you, it's serious.  We mean it.  And it's a great responsibility not only for us, but for the one we trust and love... because we take it very seriously.

For any men or boys who might stumble upon this: when we love and trust you, it's a giant leap of faith and hope... please don't destroy that.  We've already been destroyed by one man... please treat us gently.  And don't ever say "I love you" unless you mean it... because we will believe you.   Throwing our love away hurts more than you could ever imagine.

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