Wednesday, November 30, 2011

It's All Good (A Good Things/Gratitude List)

Things I love right now:

* Looking into my living room and seeing the Christmas tree lit up, and the fireplace blazing.
* Hot, delicious coffee.
* The heated seats in my minivan.
* Kids singing Christmas songs.  :)
* Frost on the grass in the morning... it makes our yard look vaguely magical.
* A Charlie Brown Christmas.
* Two comforters on the bed, with the window cracked open - best sleep ever.
* Hair long enough to keep my neck toasty warm (for the first time in years).
* McAdenville lights.  :)
* My cute new closed-toe shoes (though I do miss my flip-flops).
* Buying presents for people I love, and the anticipation of hoping they'll like what I've chosen.
* Winter clothing that hides a multitude of sins.  :D

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Pavlov's Dog

My daughter has a bad habit of putting her pet on people's heads... just sneaking up behind you, putting on your head, and walking away.  She did it to her Grandma a few months back, got a lot of laughs from her Dad, and so of course she keeps on doing it.  Everyone loves a laugh, right?

It might not be so bad if her pet was a puppy, a bunny, or maybe a furry little hamster... but my daughter's pet is a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach.  She loves the darned thing, walks around with it on her shoulder, does her homework with it on her arm, and tries to let it eat at the kitchen table with her.  (I put my foot down on that one!  Though, she does keep trying to sneak 'Girl' (that's her name) by me.)

Anyway, so yeah... she's got this annoying habit of putting Girl on people's heads.  Including mine.

The first time she did it I wasn't expecting it, and I freaked out...  I jumped up, shook my head, and shrieked.  BAD MOVE.  (That just made it even more hilarious, apparently, and when something's hilarious she keeps on doing it.)

She's done it to me repeatedly, and it's gotten so bad now that if she simply comes up behind me and touches the back of my head, I jump a mile.  Sad.  Very sad.  I squeal like a little girl.

She's stated a few times lately that when Girl dies, she wants a tarantula... yeah, like THAT'S going to happen!

You may think it's funny to make me into one of Pavlov's dogs with your 'bug on the head' experiment, but you're shooting yourself in the foot here, chickadee.

Note to self:  remove 'giant bugs that might eat your face off' from the approved pet list.

Friday, November 4, 2011

"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together." - Elizabeth Taylor

Pull yourself together.

It doesn't matter if you are undervalued, it doesn't diminish your purpose.

It doesn't matter if love fails you, there are endless opportunities to find happiness in other things.

Hurt happens to everyone, but only you can choose not to let it define you.

People let you down, but for every one that does, there is another that won't.  Find them, and keep them.

The past belongs to you, but you don't need to keep revisiting it just because it's there.  Put it away.

Don't worry about what you aren't - focus on what you are.

If someone wants to change the core of you, they don't love you.  Believe that.

If someone loves you, they will let you know.  Believe that, too.

If someone is interested in staying in your life, they will make an effort to.

Life is too short to be bored.  If you are bored, move on.

Don't waste your time building and sustaining a relationship with someone who doesn't make you a better person for knowing them.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Past

I don't talk about the past much... at least not in concrete terms.  I know I allude to it at times, but rarely do I discuss it frankly; especially not here.

But tonight I am.  I just feel like it, and it's my blog, so there.

I have Daddy issues.  There.  I said it.  Daddy issues.
It seems like a psychological buzz-word, doesn't it?  Something celebrities and whiners talk about, but it doesn't really mean much, am I right?  Some entitled, lazy, Prima Donna trying to blame everyone but herself for her problems, no?  That's what it calls to mind.

I'm a normal woman, for the most part.  I'm not lazy, or self-centered, and even though I majored in Psychology (and know a pretty decent amount about it), I have always been loathe to talk about this kind of stuff for fear of seeming like a 'whiner' and a 'blamer'.  I don't like chronic whiners, and I don't respect people who blame everyone else for their issues.  That's why this is hard for me to admit, and to write.

That being said, I'm going to do this anyway, so here goes.

My Dad walked out of my life when I was 4 years old.  He never looked back, and it fucked me up good and proper.  (Sorry if you don't like the language, but I can't think of a better way to put it.)  He left, and then he went off and made a whole new family for himself.  Oh, but that's not the best part... he pretended we didn't exist.  That's right, he never mentioned us... it wasn't until MANY years later that his most recent family (there were three altogether) found out that my brother and I existed.  Lovely, no?

Every little girl's first love is her Dad.  How are you supposed to feel, knowing that you were interchangeable?  Well, it's not a good feeling, I can tell you that.  Knowing that someone you loved so dearly can walk away without a second thought is a shitty, SHITTY feeling.  You spend most of your childhood fearful that your Mom will walk away, too.

After that, you don't trust.  You just don't.  You feel like everything is temporary, and can be gone in the blink of an eye.  But someday you have to date... someday you are bound to fall in love.  What happens then?

You date a little... some of us make a lot of BAD decisions along the way... but eventually you find someone to trust.  It feels like a whole new world, being able to trust a man... loving someone and feeling like they love you in return.  I never thought it would happen, really.  In reality, I was shocked when it did, and was shocked to realize that I really trusted him.

Most teenagers/young adults go from relationship to relationship without much thought.  They 'love' but it's never that involved, really.  Well, for someone with 'Daddy issues' it's a little different.  We don't use the words 'love' or 'trust' arbitrarily, because we trust few.  To really LOVE is even rarer, because it requires a great deal of trust and abandon that just isn't at all normal for us.  We've been burned, badly... and when we trust you, it's serious.  We mean it.  And it's a great responsibility not only for us, but for the one we trust and love... because we take it very seriously.

For any men or boys who might stumble upon this: when we love and trust you, it's a giant leap of faith and hope... please don't destroy that.  We've already been destroyed by one man... please treat us gently.  And don't ever say "I love you" unless you mean it... because we will believe you.   Throwing our love away hurts more than you could ever imagine.