Sunday, December 19, 2010

Oh, My Aching Gobstoppers...

Well, paint me orange and roll me down a chocolate river!

I've been awake for two hours, and have been asked for candy no less than 94,000 times. The endless refrain has nearly caused me to scream, which hasn't happened before 9am since the infant days when, after pulling an all-nighter with a cranky baby, I was giving the kids breakfast while my husband was curled up snugly in the bed.

But I digress....

Do I LOOK like an Oompa Loompa? Willy Wonka, perhaps?
No? Good answer. Then tell me - why, WHY do these children persist in treating me as though I should be wearing a huge hat and giving tours through my magic factory?

I blame it on Halloween.
The kidlets are getting older now, and collected significantly more candy this year than in times past. It may also be in part the fault of my flawed plan this year. The plan? Get that big bowl of candy out of the way as quickly as possible. Bad idea. They caught on, and now believe that even the smallest accomplishments are worthy of a piece of candy.

"Hey Mom! I sneezed... can I have a piece of candy!"
"But Mooooom... I ate two green beans! Can I have candy?"

This morning they banded together and decided that simply waking up earned them the privilege of stuffing themselves and spending the morning in a sugar coma. Dude, I don't THINK SO. All waking up in the morning earns me is a Diet Coke and a steady diet of whining.

Don't these kids know me but at ALL?
If they slept until 9am, I would SO paint my face orange, slap on some leiderhosen and bring them wheelbarrows full of candy.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

We're Not In Kansas Anymore...

I went on a solo vacation. What a coup! Needless to say, I had an awesome time on said vacation... sleep whenever I wanted it, total freedom, no demands on my time. Ahhhhh. Bliss.

Anyway, I spent part of said vacation in beautiful San Diego. I didn't spend much time there, but what I did see was rather diverse. I stayed two nights, and stayed in different hotels each night - the first in Mission Valley, the second right near the border on San Ysidro. Different. Very different.

I actually didn't realize how close to the border the second hotel was until I saw the signs along the highway proclaiming "LAST U.S. EXIT. TURN BACK NOW!!" Ok, so maybe not... but similar. You get my drift. Anyway, due to an error on my part, my GPS was not finding my hotel, so I got to explore the area a little bit. Once back on the highway, I saw this sign, and nearly ran off the road:

Seriously, that sign is a road hazard. Its very existence in what is arguably the most liberal state in the US caused me to do a very unsafe, mouth gaping double-take. That's not even mentioning the fact that once my shock wore off, I laughed so hard I almost couldn't breathe. (Yes, very un-PC of me, but come on! LOL!) Methinks that doesn't make for very safe driving conditions, especially for unsuspecting tourists like myself who apparently can't contain their glee when happening upon something out of the ordinary.

I obviously don't get out much, because that damned sign was one of the highlights of my trip. I wish I'd had time to grab a t-shirt...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Things They Say

Oh, the things they say.
Just when you are starting to feel bogged down, you can always count on a pint-sized person to say something that will either shock you out of your drudgery, or make you laugh until you cry.


Monday - Outside
Anna is playing outside and hurts her knee somehow. Of course, it is a Very Dramatic Event that necessitates her being carried from the yard, onto the deck, and into the house. She can no longer walk... it hurrrrrts. After a few minutes of questions, assessment and rest, my daughter drops this bomb on me: "My knee hurts so bad. I'm pretty sure it's broken... I think I'm going to have to cancel going to first grade." *dramatic sigh*

Think someone is secretly nervous about first grade?

Tuesday - Supermarket parking lot
Ella points to an older lady (probably in her fifties) and says "Mom, I can't WAIT to be big just like her!" Now, bear in mind that the lady is all of two feet away, can hear every word, and is smiling at Ella's cuteness...
I say "Oh, no. I don't want you to get big.">
E: "Why not?"
Me: "I like you small."
E: "Oh. You don't want me to get old like her and go up to heaven?"

Ouch. Needless to say, said woman was no longer smiling.

Tuesday - The Kitchen
Anna is looking at my Nook, and notices the picture on the front. When it is in sleep mode, the Nook has a picture of a famous author displayed. At that particular time, it was a picture of Kurt Vonnegut.

Now, I like Kurt Vonnegut... he was a great writer (if rather liberal). In fact, he's a favorite of mine. That being said, he was not a very handsome man... so imagine my surprise when Anna proclaims "This picture looks just like Daddy!" When pressed to explain, though, she clarified that it was only because he had curly hair and glasses like Daddy.... Whew. Good to know. LOL!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Never Ever

Yesterday was Anna's birthday party.

The kids bowled, ate their weight in sugar, and we toted home an impressive haul of tiny pieces of plastic. GREAT day for a six year-old.

Then, of course, the bickering begins. Anna has loads of new toys and Ella simply. cannot. take. it. She must get her hands on those oh-so-tempting pieces of plastic or she will just die. Die, I tell you. Lucky for Ella, she has a pretty decent big sister who relegates the 'old' toys to her as the newer, more exciting ones are opened.

Nice, right?
Yeah, but not quite good enough, you see. She waits like a puppy waits for a scratch, a walk, a scrap... giddy, but trying to sit still and be good until she just can't take it anymore.

The last new toy was opened this morning, and E is chomping at the bit.

E: "Anna, can I play with it now?"
A: "Ella, I said LATER!"
E: "Pweeeeeassse?"
A: "Ella. I said later. And when a woman says 'LATER' she means NEVER EVER!"

I had to leave the room to hide my guffaws.

Monday, July 12, 2010


Meet Bolt.

OK, so her name is actually Olive, but had she not come to me already named, I think I would have had to consider the name after getting to know her personality! This little lady came to me last week from the Animal Adoption League, and is a little angel who has already stolen my heart, despite her tendency to scent and attempt escape!

Olive bolts... and she enjoys it tremendously. Hence, the title, and why I would have seriously considered it for her name. To my knowledge she doesn't have any superpowers or a desire to save the world, but I could be wrong - perhaps that's why she's so eager to travel! She's a rascal. A sweet, well-mannered, adventurous little rascal!

She's going to keep my on my toes. The kids tell strangers about her and say "Olive bolts." People look at them like they are crazy... if only they knew! LOL! She is worth it, though, and she more than makes up for her mischief with fun, companionship, and her awesome personality!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Ella Bo-Bella

My wee monkey, little weasel, cutie pootie.

I just adore my kids, and think that everything they do is the best, the most adorable, the most clever. In fact, perhaps the greatest part of being a parent for me is watching my children figure out the world and get smarter and smarter. (Of course, I fear that they will band together and attempt to overthrow me as leader when they discover (any day now) that they are smarter than me....)

Lately I have been intrigued with Ella and her views on the world and her own circumstances. Several weeks ago, Ella had a little accident at home necessitating an urgent visit to the doctor. When we got there, the conversation went like this:

Dr.: "So, Ella. What happened here?"
Dr.: "What?"
E: "I pokeded a hole in my body."
Dr.: "You poked a hole in your body?"
E: "Yeah. I pokeded a hole in my body with the pitcher, and I bleeded so much. I bleeded right out of the band-aid! And it hurted."

The doctor was trying to keep a straight face, but couldn't stop the grin from emerging. Everyone she saw got treated to her assessment of the situation, and the fact that she 'poked a hole in her body'.

The 'hole' has since healed, although there is a scar. Every once in a while someone will see the purplish scar and ask what happened...

E: "I pokeded a hole in my body. But it healed up! My body made more skin to cover the hole, see?!"

Friday, January 1, 2010

None Of That Baby Business

Sometimes I have to wonder just where my daughter gets all her ideas.

For instance, we had a very interesting conversation on Wednesday that went a little something like this:

A: Mommy, I'm not EVER going to have a baby.
Me: Why not?
A: Because I don't want to have surgery.
Me: Well, you probably wouldn't have to have surgery. Most women don't need surgery to have a baby.
A: Oh. Well, then, how does the baby get out?

Oh boy. Yes, one of the dreaded questions. (The other being "How did the baby get IN?") I thought about it for a second, and decided to go with frank honesty and gave her the Cliff's Notes version of the miracle of birth.

Oh, so the baby just comes down from the tummy and 'plops' out?
Me: Sort of. (IF ONLY!!)
A: And you have to catch it?
Me: No, you go to the hospital, and the doctor catches it.
A: And cleans it up?
Me: Yes, and cleans it up.

At this point she is satisfied and wanders off to play, break something, harrass her sister... whatever. A few minutes later, though, she's back:

A: I still don't think I want to have a baby, Mom.
Me: Oh yeah?
A: Yeah. I decided I'm going to marry a girl and make HER have the baby.

Smart kid.