Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I Had A Dream...

Yeah. Not that kind of dream.

No, lets just say that my dream was a bit more on the *ahem* interesting side. In fact, (to be honest) I'm a little scarred. *sniff*

Given my obvious state of mental anguish, of course I had to unload my burden on my dear, long-suffering husband this morning. (Yeah, because hearing about your wife's perverted dreams is a HUGE hardship, donchaknow?) Well, it was all good until a little person with a rather BIG set of ears walked in, mid-tale.

See, I have these two friends... lets call them Smeather and Smatty. Well, Smeather and Smatty starred in my dream last night... and while the dream wasn't particularly explicit, and *I* wasn't involved, it was odd enough that I had to get it off my chest (in as vague a way as possible, what with kids being around and all. The full-on descriptives would have to wait).

So as I said, Miss HearAPinDropInAlaska walks in and promptly picks up on a name she knows and asks a very thought-provoking question:

"What DID Ms. Smatty do with Ms. Smeather's clothes, Mommy?"

That's right, I was busted.

As I tried to formulate an appropriate, PC answer, I swear I hear a muffled snicker from across the room.

You wait buddy. Your day is coming.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Al Rescate, You Blockhead!

I fancy myself a pretty decent parent.

Hey, shut up. I do the 'good parent stuff', and sometimes I even pretend to be excited about it.

You know the drill - limit exposure to trashy TV, violent cartoons, Eminem, play Candy Land, and try to tone down the more 'colorful' words you used to favor. That sort of thing.

But after four years of watching PC kids' shows, I have something to say:

Kid's TV nowadays is pure crap. Crap, I tell ya!

Whatever happened to anvils and long walks off a short cliff?
Where's the potty humor and gratuitous violence?

This world has gone to hell in a handbasket!

Well, I'm done with all the hooey on Nickelodeon these days. Whatever happened to really GOOD shows like You Can't Do That On Television? Now that was a quality kid's show.

It was after that revelation (and the conviction that the likes of Dora, The Backyardigans, and The Wonderpets will be the downfall of Western civilization) that I decided it was time my kids became intimately acquainted with some of the favorites from my childhood.

A parental sanity-saving move, if you will.

Because I was in good-parent mode at the time, I did not choose anything that might put me out of the running for Parent Of The Year, such as Road-Runner cartoons, old-school Scooby Doo, or Ren and Stimpy.
That would be bad, doncha know?

No, instead I opted for a classic, wholesome collection of holiday movies, and unearthed my Charlie Brown DVDs. (All the while feeling smug and confident that not only would I not have to hear "Vamanos! Al rescate!" anymore, but that I would (like a 'good' Mother) be reviving a great Holiday tradition from my generation.)

"You BLOCKHEAD. I am NEVER going back to school!"

Yeah. After a few days of Charlie Brown movies, my 4 year-old hit me with that gem (picked up from A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and You're Not Elected, Charlie Brown respectively).

Perhaps I'll leave the 'quality programming' to the fine folks at Nickelodeon after all. Anyone know if Double Dare or Clarissa Explains It All still comes on?

Because that? That would be sweet.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Walk Of Shame

I recently became re-acquainted with an old friend... a friend I haven't visited in some time, and can't really say that I've missed.

The walk of shame.

Go on, I'll take a quick break for you all to pull your minds out of the gutter. Given that we're not in college anymore it's a pretty safe bet that 'The Walk Of Shame' has taken on a slightly different meaning than what some of us *cough*whores*cough* might be used to.

Yes, these days that humbling walk has a lot less to do with beer goggles, and a lot more to do with all those missing brain cells we wantonly disposed of in our University years.
Well, most of the time anyway....

So anyway, yeah.
The Walk Of Shame is still mortifying, but pretty freaking lame these days if you ask me.

Nowadays I find myself slinking miserably down the aisles of my kid's preschool upon discovering that:

a) I've forgotten my youngest child's snack two days in a row.
b) It's picture day and my oldest is dressed inappropriately.
c) Due to a 'clerical error' (totally not my fault!) I don't have the snack I was supposed to bring for 15 kids.
d) All of the above.

You can guess the answer to that one.
Yeah, all in the same day. Go me!

You know you have lost your last sliver of coolness when this mortifies you more than the time you drunkenly extolled the virtues of vibrators at your Husband's work Christmas party.

The shame was so great that I almost expected to hear someone say "Hey, didn't I see you walking through the quad at about 2am? And weren't you wearing that yesterday?!"

Hey. There's something to be said for a healthy dose of paranoia after all...