Saturday, June 21, 2008

Like Pavlov's Dogs...

Kids are so trainable.

No no no... stop laughing. It's true, I swear.
There's just one slight problem - they never 'train' in quite the right way.
They generally 'train' in a way that will
a) embarrass you
b) mortify you
c) crack you up.

You all know what I'm talking about.
They are like Pavlov's dogs... only in a perverse backwards way, specifically designed for maximum humorous/embarrassing impact.

Case in point:
Several weeks ago, we had to have some electrical work done.
At 9am, the doorbell rings, and my oldest daughter (just shy of 4 years old) rushes to answer the door. I round the corner just in time to hear her say to the electrician "Hey, man! You got a pizza for us?"

Yeah. She did.
I think we eat too much takeout. Just a hunch.

Like a cuter version of Pavlov's dogs, she assumes that any time the doorbell rings and there's a stranger on the doorstep, they will have pizza for us.

All that was missing was a collar and a string of saliva grazing the floor.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Can You Smell That Smell? The Smell That Surrounds You....

Sometimes having an (almost) two year-old can be a mortifying experience. (Can something be both mortifying and hilarious? Because that is truly how I would describe the following...)

My girls and I were perusing the racks at one of our favorite places to bargain-hunt on Friday... all was well until we decided to hit the Women's Clothing department.
There, as luck would have it, we walked in right as a woman in our path committed a heinous indiscretion.

That's right, she farted. Let one rip.
And not just that, but it was deadly... truly heinous.

And right as we walk into the heinous cloud of stench, my two year-old decides to have a moment of perfect clarity....
She looks directly at the stink-machine in question, grins widely and says "HELLO, STINKY! HELLO, STINKY! HELLO, STINKY!" at least 5 times in a row.

Have you ever seen a person nearly die from simultaneously trying to sink into the floor and contain paroxysms of laughter at the same time? No? Well, it's not pretty.

It got even worse when we passed the same woman some 20 minutes later, and said two year-old looks right at her again, smiles, and says "HEY STINKY!".

I'm going to croak.
I'll either die of embarrassment or laughter.