Friday, September 5, 2008


The Ten Commandments are pretty nifty, right? I mean, where else is someone going to give you an exact list of Dos and Don'ts by which to live your life?

Oh yeah. Your parents, that's where.

We're given these hedonistic little buggers we refer to as children, and a nifty list of things to program OUT of them. (Oh yes. It is my belief (based on personal experience) that the OPPOSITE of almost all of the Ten Commandments is present from birth.)

You shall have no other gods before me
Unless by 'God' this means fruit snacks or M&Ms (both of which they'll fight to the death for), then we're actually probably good here.

You shall not make for yourself an idol
Barney. Spongebob. The Wiggles. Need I go on? Any parent who has been subjected to a Spongebob marathon, or The Backyardigans Live! will tell you that these pint-sized peeps definitely have idols.

You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God
Is CAUSING wrongful use of the name of God the same thing? Because if so, guilty as charged! "Oh GOD!" or "Jesus Christ!" (followed by a groan) is a common refrain in this household.

Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
There is NOTHING holy about getting up at 6am on the Sabbath (or any other day for that matter).

Honor your father and mother
Excuse me while I pick myself up on the floor and attempt to stop laughing. I don't think the words kick, terrorize, and otherwise drive insane were featured in God's definition of 'honor'.

You shall not murder
Uh oh. I knew it was a bad idea to let the little one near those ladybugs. *gulp*

You shall not commit adultery
Dear God, I hope this one doesn't come up anytime soon, or else I'm really screwed.

You shall not steal

Riiiight. See 'She's a Rogue' for more information on this lovely commandment, and how certain folks snub it.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
Puh-lease. "It was SISSY!" (when she's napping) "Dad said YES!" (when he's in the shower)... you get where I'm going with this.

You shall not covet your neighbor's house
If playhouses count, we've got that covered.

You shall not covet your neighbor's wife
I don't know many 2-4 year-olds that have wives (at least not of the living/breathing variety), but if they did I assure you, it'd be an issue.

Given that most of these are offended against at least once a day by one (or more) of my children, it's safe to say that this is going to be a looong road.

Christ. (Gah, now I've done it - and I can't even blame the kids) I hope their 'issues' don't count against my eternal rewards. If they do, when you add in my own contributions, I'm screwed.

I guess I'll have to live in the afterlife's ghetto... down where the roads degrade into brass.

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